Mom, This is Panic! At The Disco (This Post is not a Fanfiction)

Last Sunday, I told my mom about that song cover overload with Dika. I said, "Dika liked Bohemian Rhapsody but he didn't want to open its version by Panic! At The Disco because he knew it's my favourite. Then he shared a cover on facebook and his friend gave him link to Panic! At The Disco's version. So, he opened it." My mom laughed.

I added more stories, "I like Panic! At The Disco. Their songs are great and the so are the lyrics. Some of the lyrics sound more like short story to me. There is this song called 'Build God then We'll Talk' which is about a motel with a hint of asbestos and formaldehyde. In that motel there is a lawyer and his wife. The lawyer has an affair but his wife chose to stay with him because she needs his money. See, mom? That sounds like a story. A novel, maybe."

Don't ask me why of all the songs by P!ATD, I chose to tell my mother about that one.

On Monday, I showed P!ATD's cover of Bohemian Rhapsody to my mom. She said, "This is great. His voice. It's like the original. Wait, I'm curious about the reffrain." Then the reffrain played and my mother liked it, "Wow, the guitarist is also good." In my mind, I was like: yes, mom!

I then remembered that I had showed my mom the video of P!ATD perform "Build God then We'll Talk" live in Denver. I told my mom, "This is that band who once used circus as their theme. Now the vocalist is shirtless (yes, I said this)." She answered, "Some artists like to perform shirtless on stage. You know Kaka, the vocalist of Slank? He's almost always shirtless on stage, if I'm not mistaken."

I thought to myself, "How do you even know that, Mom?" Then I remembered that my mom was the one who passed the genes of music preference to me.

Song Cover Overload: the (Almost) Full Story

In my previous post, I talked about Dika who shared a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Here is the full story (whoa, it sounds important).

My friend Dika is interested in various things. Usually, when he's interested in something, he share anything related to it on facebook. 

Last Sunday he liked Bohemian Rhapsody and he shared some (correction: plenty of) covers on facebook. He told me, "There is a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody by Panic! At The Disco on my YouTube recommendation. I don't open it." I tried to convince him but he didn't want to (duh).

Then he shared an ukulele cover by Jake Shimabukuro and one of his friends commented, "Good cover. Here is another good cover" with a link to Panic! At The Disco's Bohemian Rhapsody cover. I admit I was excited reading that comment. It turned out that Dika's friend also listened to Panic! At The Disco. Yeay! So, finally Dika is convinced to open the video.

After he opened the video, Dika is amused/annoyed/bothered by the comment section. Hahaha... I will talk about it in my next "Talking about Fandom" post.

Song Cover Overload

This is a quick post. I just want to write something but my mind doesn't focus well right now.

My friend Dika shared a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody on facebook then his friend and I commented. They ended up sharing a lot of covers and I ended up watching all of those.

I'll write again after my mind can focus better. 

Talking about Fandom: Definition

Out of nowhere, I want to talk about fandom.

According to Wikipedia, fandom is a term used to refer to a subculture composed of fans characterized by a feeling of empathy and camaraderie with others who share a common interest. Note the keywords: fan, empathy, camaraderie, and common interest.

We all know what fan means. Oxford dictionary defines fan as a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular person or thing. I myself am a fan of Harry Potter, My Chemical Romance, etc. More on this later.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It's different from sympathy. Sympathy means feeling of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune. However, I was a bit confused with the second definition of sympathy. It is said that sympathy means understanding between people; common feeling. I then remember a lecturer said, "With your patient, you have to show empathy but you aren't allowed to show sympathy. You should understand their feeling but you can't, for example, hug them or cry with them."

In fandom, we can still find different opinions but, with that definition from Wikipedia, a fan is supposed to understand the feeling of other fans.

Camaraderie means mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together. I'm surprised. I myself understand that we can find friends in fandom but I'm not sure with mutual trust. Is it just me?

I feel the camaraderie with my close friends. However, in the topic of fandom, camaraderie is strong with Lady Slytherin. We both like Harry Potter and discuss about it almost everyday.

Common interest is common interest. I don't even need to explain it, do I? 

To be continued ...

The Day after My Thesis Exam

On Thursday, March 17, I had thesis exam again with my other two examiners. It went fine. 

After the exam, I accompanied Miss Perfume to wait for her scientific journal editor, her counsellor. We then had a nice conversation with our senior student.

That afternoon, Miss Perfume, Elsa, and I went to karaoke. Miss Perfume chose some Indian songs and when she sang, Elsa and I commented on the videos (the videos are from movie scenes). She also chose "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys and three of us had this "lovely boyband moment" (is that even real?).

Elsa sang some anime soundtracks and Japanese songs which Miss Perfume and I didn't know so we just watched her "perform." She really looked like she was performing on stage while singing in karaoke. Whoa, that girl. 

My choice of songs include "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic! At The Disco, "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance, "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" by Fall Out Boy, "Love is on the Radio" by McFly, and "Di Sayidan" by Shaggy Dog. 

I found out that "Nine in the Afternoon" sounded hollow without Brendon Urie's voice. Hahaha... I just couldn't replace his voice (of course!). The song was happy and it was one of the few songs I dared to play before my thesis exam.

"Famous Last Words" was great. I felt relieved to sing, shout, and scream during that song. It was like my mental "burden" during the process of thesis making was lifted when I sang it. The song allowed me to feel angry, frustrated, and sad, but powerful at the same time. Strange, isn't it? Plus, I had microphone to sing, so the effect was better.

"My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" was another memory. There was a time during the process of thesis writing when I had this big problem (I can’t talk about it, sorry) and I listened to this song over and over again to make myself feel better. It turned out that some parts of that song were a bit too fast for me to sing. I will practice!

To reduce "tension", I sang "Love is on the Radio" by McFly. Elsa and Miss Perfume laughed at the line, "We'll have a son and we'll give him a sister." That line was cute but strange when I sang it, hahaha...

I didn't know why I chose "Di Sayidan". The last time I had listened to it was in high school. I just thought that song was catchy and would be nice to sing and listen to with my friends.

Later that night, I was happy and content. I still had to change some part of my thesis and scientific article, though. 

At this point, I've just realised that my three posts about thesis exam are more like song related posts. Maybe later I will write more scientific posts.

The Day of My Thesis Exam

I realise that I've procrastinated too long to write this story. 

On March, 16th I presented my thesis in front of my examiners but there are more to recall.

In the morning, I checked my presentation slide and I thought it was inappropriate. It only consisted of 10 slides and it would have taken about 5 minutes to present. Too short. I then contacted Miss Perfume and she told me what to add. I ended up with 15 slides. Thanks, Miss Perfume.

I went by a car with my father and my cousin. My dad accompanied me to the meeting room. My cousin parked the car and went somewhere else. 

Now let me talk about the meeting room. So, every department in hospital has a meeting room. I had to present my thesis in meeting room of psychiatry department and, to be honest, I didn't really  like the place. The place was small and there were many people. 

By the time I arrived in front of the meeting room, there was a lecture so I had to wait. I was a little excited and nervous so I put my headphones and played "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin in my phone. That song never fails to calm me down.

Then Lady Slytherin came. She had some conversation with my dad and gave me some tips. After that Miss Perfume came. So, four of us waited outside the meeting room. I couldn't keep myself still so I danced to "Ready to Go" that was played in my head. Elsa came a little later after I started my presentation.

Then my exam started. I had 5 examiners but only 3 attend my presentation that day. My presentation went well. However, I couldn't answer the question about molecular biology from my first examiner. Why??!! I need to work it out, I think. I also need to pay more attention to the "rules", like word choice and font. I forgot to make some foreign words italic, duh.

Talking about word choice, my first counsellor told me to use the word "writer" instead of "we", and "study" instead of "research". He also told me to use my own words instead of rewrite someone's words. I did use my own words. Well, I admit, I rewrote at some parts. All right, I'll change that.

My second counsellor responded, "I'm sure that (my name) can write in her own words. She writes a lot in campus magazine and blog." I couldn't help but grin at his comment. My second counsellor was a friendly lecturer and he knew about this blog. I just didn't expect him to mention this blog in a thesis exam. Thankfully, he didn't share my blog address to the other two examiners.

Minutes later, my exam was over. I was relieved.

I still had to have exam with the other two examiners. I contacted them and they could examine me one day later.

In the night, I played "Mad as Rabbits" and "Behind the Sea" by Panic! At The Disco for a little celebration.

The Day Before Thesis Exam

On Wednesday, March 16th, I had thesis examination. It means that I presented my thesis in front of my counsellors and examiners. 

I stated in this blog that I didn't really like public speaking. However, the day before my exam, I felt okay. In fact, I was excited to present my thesis, which was a surprising fact considering that 1) I would talk in front of people, 2) I would be asked questions about my thesis, 3) I would present my thesis in a meeting room in the hospital, a place that never made me comfortable.

That day, I made power point presentation and read my thesis again. Yes, I know it was late. I procrastinated too much. 

Also, my dad caught me watching Brendon Urie video again. He said, "Prepare for your presentation. Stop playing around!" Why does my dad always catch me watching Brendon Urie?

Talking about Brendon Urie, I was careful to choose what songs I listened to that day. I didn't listen to "Build God, then We'll Talk" no matter how tempting it was. I didn't listen to "Northern Downpour" either because I could get strange feeling from it. I even held myself from listening to My Chemical Romance because their songs might evoke various emotion and hit me right in the "feel". 

So I decided to listen to Nine in the Afternoon, Ready to Go, and Always. All by Panic! At the Disco. Duh.

I also had a chat with Dika and he said, "Good luck. You can read fanfics first!" And strangely, I did. I read some fanfics that day. 

My state of being not nervous worried me. I started to think that I might take it too easy. I told another friend that I didn't feel nervous and I didn't really care if I couldn't answer the question. I told him that I didn't know whether it was good or bad sign. He said, "It may be a good sign but you not caring somehow sounds badass." I laughed at his response.

I slept well that night. Still not worried about my exam.

Just Like When I was a Kid

When I was in primary school, I often asked my mom, "Mom, if I get good grades, please buy me Detective Conan comics or Harry Potter novel." I always got good grades so my mom always bought me the comics and novels. 

I still asked my mom to buy me comics and novels when I was in middle school. I still got good grades so she didn't mind.

I was in high school and I still got good grades but my mom mainly bought me books to prepare for my final exams and university entrance. One day in a bookstore, I asked for a Detective Conan comic and she said, "No. Why would you spend such amount of money to buy a comic that you can quickly finish?" I understood that, considering how much money she spent for the other books. 

Then I become a medical student and I didn't ask my mom to buy me fiction books or comics anymore. I bought fiction books using the money I saved. Beside, I can no longer promise her for good grades. Living with less fiction books is fine, but at some points I feel wrong. I'm incomplete.

People may ask, "Why don't you just borrow books?" I answer, " I do borrow books but still, borrowing and owning are different."

I will present my thesis on Wednesday, March 16th. The child inside me showed up again a while ago. I asked my mom, "Mom, after I finish presenting my thesis, would you please buy me some comics and novels? You know, just like when I was a kid?" She said, "All right, I will let you buy comics and novels that you want." I was so happy to hear that.

By the Lake

The skirt flowed along her legs as she danced among the flowers by the lake. Grace.

A wizard shouted, told her to leave. She twirled. Then flew. Away.

And the flowers wilted.

Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy (and Some Courtesy)

When I was in middle school, Sweet Raindrop (not her real name) showed me the lyrics of "Build God then We'll Talk" by Panic! At The Disco. Here is a link to the song. I give the link to their "Live in Denver" performance instead of their official music video because: 1. the official music video contains "Porno Mime" and not everyone is comfortable to watch it, 2. Ryan Ross sang some lines in that live version and his voice was damn fine. 

The first time I read the lyrics, I said, "Whoa, it's more like a story than a song." The song tells a story of substandard motels on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street with wonderful caricature of intimacy inside. I had the habit of singing the line, "Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy" when I had to meet fake friends or attend an event that made me uncomfortable. I knew those fake friends and event participants weren't so "wonderful" as the people in the song but still, I felt the need to sing that line.

As I grew up, that habit disappeared. Perhaps because I didn't have to attend "event that made me uncomfortable" so often as before. However, now that I'm in my fangirl phase over Panic! At The Disco, that habit occurs again. The only difference is that I don't sing it aloud. 

It happened a while ago when my mother told me to be courteous so I can keep myself away from trouble. That was difficult. Not that I'm a rude person. I just act aloof when someone makes me uneasy. However, my mom told me to be courteous. What?! Why? How? Then that one line from the song was played in the back of my mind.

In "A Clash of King," it is said that Septa Mordane used to tell Sansa that a lady's armor is courtesy. Sansa took that advice and she stayed alive in King's Landing. I didn't expect my mother would give me the same advice as Septa Mordane. 

I'm not a tenant in substandard motel on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street. My situation is much safer than Sansa Stark's in "A Clash of King". I don't mind some courtesy, either. I'm just not ready to be a lady with proper armor.

First Impression: Someone Says I'm Cheerful

On Sunday, I went to a weekly English discussion forum in a library. The topic was "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover." Yes, we talk about judgement, or in this case, first impression. 

Talking about first impression is a little complicated. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it deceives you. I usually keep my first impression for myself and try to learn more about the person before making my "final judgement."

When it comes to the "cover," I think I never care much about what someone wears. How someone talks and what they talk about influence my judgement more than their appearance does.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting, the conductor made us play a little game. She gave each of us a piece of paper with a name of fellow discussion participant written on it. We had to write our first impression of that person. After that, we collected the paper in a can (so the writer remained anonymous) and were given back the paper with our own names on it. 

I got the paper and read, "She is, I think, cheerful because she always smile. Further character, I don't know :) " I was surprised reading that because I don't see myself as a cheerful person and I don't always smile. I even have the indifferent emoticon face. I guess it was because I loved being in that library so I looked happy, even cheerful there. 

Note to self: place influences impression.

I Love You for Sentimental Reasons

Reading the word "sentimental," I remember the song "(I Love You) for Sentimental Reasons" by Ivory "Deek" Watson and William "Pat" Best. I found three versions in YouTube. There are two versions by Deek Watson and The Brown Dots and another version by Nat King Cole. Nat King Cole's version was the one I knew when I heard this song for the first time.

Oxford dictionary defines sentimental as "of the emotions, rather than reason." I then realise that, many times, I fall in love without understanding the reason. I may learn why I love that person later but sometimes I just don't know. Does it mean that I love a person for sentimental reasons? Maybe. Or maybe there are reasons that my subconscious mind understands.

Now I'm in love again, for sentimental reasons, with Ryan Ross. Oh, it's not actual love, just another obsession. After Brendon Urie, now Ryan Ross. I'm not sure when this fangirl phase will end. It is said that once you enter a fandom, you will find it difficult to go out.

Hiraeth and Needle

The prompt is "longing". It reminds me of two words: hiraeth and Needle.

According to Wikipedia, hiraeth is a Welsh word with no direct English translation. Oxford and Merriam Webster define hiraeth as: (noun) "a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was". It is a mix of longing, yearning, nostalgia, wistfulness, or an earnest desire for the Wales of the past. 

 

Pamela Petro explained hiraeth in the post Dreaming in Welsh. She wrote, "In 1282, Wales became the first colony of the English empire. Because England eventually ruled half the globe, we all know its first colony by the name the colonizers gave it: Wales, which means 'Place of the Others,' or 'Place of the Romanized Foreigners'." She continued, "To Welsh speakers, Wales is Cymru (pronounced Kum-ree): home of the Cymry, or fellow countrymen."

The Welsh feel hiraeth for the Wales of the past that they cannot return to. This reminds of a paragraph from "A Feast for Crows" by George. R. R. Martin, when Arya had to give up all her belongings. It meant that she also had to give up Needle, her sword.

Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile. He used to mess my hair and call me "little sister," she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. 

The word hiraeth and that one paragraph can always give me emotion which I can't describe.

They make me smile. A sad smile.

Confession of a Fanfic Reader

If you read the comment section of my Wordpress posts "Two, One, or Four" and "His Name is Brendon Urie, Dad (This Post is not a Fanfiction)", you will see that Dika teased me about fanfiction. Duh.

It's not a secret that I read fanfiction. However, I always see fanfiction as my guilty pleasure so I keep secret about what fanfics that I read and like. 

Reading fanfic makes me feel both guilty and creepy. I feel guilty because it feels like I betray my favourite authors, considering that some authors don't like fanfiction. I feel creepy when I read fanfic which characters are real people.

Also, reading fanfiction is supposed to be done alone, in my opinion. Because, you never know when someone like Dika approaches you and feel disturbed from glancing at the fanfic that you're reading. Well, I admit that I once got bored then I read fanfic in public place. It was a safe fanfic but still, I somehow felt dirty. Oh, please help me!

I remember the first fanfic that I read was a My Chemical Romance fanfic. I was 14 at that time and I didn't know fanfiction existed. I just searched for neutral article then there was a fanfic and I was curious so I opened it. Thankfully, that wasn't a disturbing fanfic so I didn't need to feel bad like Mikey Way did. He talked about fanfiction in two interviews with 2day fm and Dose.ca. Check those out if you want to know.

I was 16 or 17 when I read a disturbing fanfic for the first time. I was like, "Oh, this is nice," then suddenly, "What the heck?!" I don't even want to tell what fanfic it was about.

My struggle as a fanfic reader is to find fanfiction about friendship. I don't know why but I see so many ships while all I want to see is friendship. 

Finally, not all fanfictions are bad. I found two beautiful fanfics that made me cry. I was even tempted to share my favourite ones here, but as I have said before, they're secrets. And finding good fanfiction can be such a journey. So, enjoy your journey ;)

P.S. Check out Dika's blog in dathandika.wordpress.com. You will find a bunch of good posts, or rants (according to him). Oh, I forget to tell the obvious, you won't find a rant about fanfiction like this in his blog.