Time Machine, Please

I watched "Before You Go", a romantic film from 2014 which I watched just because there was Chris Evans (sorry, I'm in fangirling phase). The film turned out good; it's not something I usually watch, though.

In that film there was a scene where Nick (Chris Evans) and Brooke (Alice Eve) pretended they call their past self and gave advice. Recently I want to do that. 

I used to think that everything happened for a reason so the idea of time machine (or time turner, or time stone, depends on your fandom) to solve problem retrospectively wasn't interesting to me. That changes now, when I'm tired of studying medicine. I'm curious about the possibility of what will happen if I didn't enter medical school in the first place. Will things be better or not? Or what if I did this or that differently? What kind of experience will I get instead?

Don't get me wrong. I don't plan on giving up. I'm just tired.

This Ride is a Wild One

I like the song "Missing You" by All Time Low. It's about mental health. The lyrics address some issues relating to it.

The first words are, "I heard that you've been self-medicating in the quiet of your room, your sweet suburban tomb." This is the first time I find a song that talks about self medication. Attention everyone, this is important: psychotherapy is not a joke. The medicine for patients with psychiatry condition is not like paracetamol that you can just buy without prescription and you'll be okay. If you want psychiatric medication, see a psychiatrist.

I like the lines, 

"You've come this far,

you're all cleaned up,

you made a mess again,

there's no more trying,

time to sort yourself out..."

Those lines talk about recovery and relapse. For those who experience this, I believe you can go through this, even when it seems impossible.

I'm also impressed with the line, "Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one." That line describes the journey with mental health: it's not always easy, it's wild, but as always, we can pass it.

And come the lines with strange power,

"Grit your teeth, and pull your hair,

paint the walls black, and scream, 'Fuck the world,

'cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back,'

and never for a second blame yourself."

I really like the part, ".... it's my life, I'm gonna take it back," because damn, it reminds me that no matter the circumstance, I have the power to take my life back and have control over it.

There are still some parts of the lyrics that I haven't mentioned in this post. Another post, maybe? 

I guess someday if I have to explain about mental health, I would also recommend this song because why not, this song is well written and it talks about important issue.

I'm Exhausted

Being a co-assistant in hospital is exhausting and when I'm exhausted, I lose motivation to do things. I can't even bring myself to review material. It's also difficult for me to stay awake during lecture (yes, we still have lecture in hospital). I envy my friend who can stay awake during lecture and understand the material. They even have enough energy to discuss it with the residents. Seriously, those friends have no idea how lucky they are.

I'm trying though.

Ugly Moment in Hospital: Death

I like fiction and fanfiction. I have a thing for fiction that takes place in hospital. I don't know why. Perhaps because I'm a medical student so I like hospital setting. However, it changed recently. I'm a co-assistant and I've just spent 3 weeks in department of pulmonology. Those 3 weeks changed my perspective about hospital.

In fiction, there is this moment when a character dies and because this is fiction, we read some beautiful description that messes our emotion. In reality, death is ... death, and it's not beautiful. There is no narrator saying words describing the situation. It's an ugly process which, in department of pulmonology, starts with worsened shortness of breath. Then the breathing stops, the heartbeat stops. Dead.

Another thing: last word. Often in fiction, the character says a word or two before death. I have never seen that. The person is too busy to try to breath. No last word before death.

No attractive face, either, I tell you. In fiction, you can imagine your favourite character as you want but many real people look miserable when they're dying. 

So here is some "moral of the story" that I can give (which usually I don't): while you're still alive, attractive and breathing easily, speak. Do not wait until the last moment of your life to say things you're supposed to say. However, also remember, choose your word carefully. Ah, it's difficult, isn't it? On one side, we don't want to regret that we don't say the thing, on the other side we will regret if we say it the wrong way. Oh wait, that's a topic for another post.

And here I am, comparing death in fiction and reality while looking for good fanfiction to read before going to bed. Duh.

Lawful Wife and Mistress: Talking about Medical Study

Recently, I just found out that Anton Chekhov, the Russian author, was also a doctor. One of his famous quote regarding this was, "Medicine is my lawful wife, literature my mistress: when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other."

My friends and I laughed at that because never have we ever found medicine-related quote like that before. Now is the thing: every medical student that I have been close to has this kind of "mistress", this thing that we spend our time with when we're tired of our "lawful wife" in the form of medical study. One friend's "mistress" is drawing, another one's is cosplay, someone else has literature as mistress.

However, there is a problem when you're constantly tired of your "lawful wife". That's what happens to me. Medical study is often demanding so I spend a lot of time with my "mistress(es)": literature, fandom, and other things.

I think it's time for me to remind myself that no matter how excited I get when I see my "mistress(es)", it is my "lawful wife" that I made my vow to spend my life with.

Talking about Fandom: the Feels

In fandom there is the term "feeling" which is shortened to "feels". It is that moment when you feel overwhelmed by something. You may call it sadness but it's different kind of sadness. It's just difficult to describe so we simply call it "feels".

If you want to see some examples, I once wrote a post entitled "Jleb" Harry Potter Moments. Yeah, it's quite similar to "jleb" in Indonesian.

However, no matter how overwhelming it is, we often intentionally hit ourselves with "feels". Here are two examples. Harry Potter fans know that Fred Weasley's death was sad but they still search in the internet for meme or fanfic or anything related to it, only to get struck with "feels" afterward. My Chemical Romance fans can get "feels" only by listening to any of their song but still, they listen to the songs, watch the videos on YouTube, watch past interviews, or read old articles. 

Why do we do that? Is it like when we fall in love? I mean, when we fall in love, we experience increase of dopamine and oxytocin. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), dopamine is "feel good" neurotransmitter; the ecstasy of romantic love may be just a brain bath of glutamate and norepinephrine, which act on the reward system to release dopamine. Oxytocin, on the other hand, promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

Questions:

1. Is our feeling in fandom similar to those of people who fall in love? Or is it just obsession?

2. If it's because of dopamine, why do we feel this strange emotion? Dopamine is supposed to make us feel good, right? Why do I feel miserable instead?

3. How long does it normally last?

Well, I guess for those who are not in fandom, it may sound like we punish ourselves. However, for people involved in fandom, it's just a normal activity. We sometimes even think, "I'm in the good mood for sad fanfic. Let me search and read. Don't disturb me while I'm suffering with this mess called 'feels'!"

Also, if you're interested in learning neurology, psychiatry, and fandom psychology, I have those three questions above. You may use it for research idea or something. 

My Exam Hangover

I've had my comprehensive exams. I had comprehensive OSCE on Thursday, June 16th and comprehensive CBT on Tuesday, June 21st. Now I'm waiting for the result.

After exam I feel this condition I call exam hangover. I was curious to find out whether other people ever call it exam hangover so I google it. I found two proper results.

One result is from Urban Dictionary. According to Urban Dictionary, exam hangover is that period between the end post-secondary exams and the next day you can think. I also found an article, "A Remedy for Your University Exam Hangover".

I haven't done much during this exam hangover. I definitely don't study medical stuff (sorry). I borrow a novel from local library but I haven't even started reading it. I haven't written a letter for my German penpal (please wait patiently, dear). I want to buy flowers and arrange them but I'm currently saving my money for something else. 

In that article I share the link above, the writer experience 4 week exam hangover. I hope mine is shorter. Now I'm going to open the novel I borrow.

Hyperventilating Fangirl

I like Panic! At The Disco but I don't know all of their songs. Today was the first time I heard the song "She Had the World" and I loved it. The song was beautiful and I got teary eyes from the emotion. After that, I heard the part where Ryan sang and I made hyperventilating noise.

I didn't really have difficulty in breathing when listening to Ryan Ross. It was just kind of habit. I don't always like his voice but when his voice is damn fine (in my opinion), I make hyperventilating noise. I haven't found out why. I know that some psychological condition like panic attack can cause real hyperventilation but I didn't experience panic attack. I experience Panic! At The Disco attack. Are they the same thing? I don't think so.

Idea for next research or whatever: cause of hyperventilation among fangirl. Anyone involved in fandom and interested in pulmonology and neuropsychiatry? Here I've given you idea.

Burnout

I have short attention span.

Short attention span plus burnout equals mental torture to me, and that happens now.

Two days ago I wrote preface for my thesis. It was a standard preface and I had gotten the format from my friend. It was an easy task. However, bringing myself to type a lecturer's name in preface was already a mental workout for me. 

I still haven't written scientific article and I don't know when I can start. How can I write if I can't even think about it?

The registration for graduation ceremony started a few days ago and it will be closed on May 5th. I hope I can finish my article before May 5th.

I hope I can get over this burnout.

I Feel Done

I've ever mentioned in this blog that I was interested in psychiatry. I still am. However, after writing thesis with psychiatry topic, I feel done.

I once considered being a psychiatrist but after months of writing psychiatry-related thesis, I changed my mind. I have come to realisation that psychiatry is not for me. It's interesting but I will learn it as a hobby (now I sound like Saitama from One Punch Man), otherwise I will drain my mental energy.

I haven't figured out which medical career path that I want to choose.

The Day after My Thesis Exam

On Thursday, March 17, I had thesis exam again with my other two examiners. It went fine. 

After the exam, I accompanied Miss Perfume to wait for her scientific journal editor, her counsellor. We then had a nice conversation with our senior student.

That afternoon, Miss Perfume, Elsa, and I went to karaoke. Miss Perfume chose some Indian songs and when she sang, Elsa and I commented on the videos (the videos are from movie scenes). She also chose "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys and three of us had this "lovely boyband moment" (is that even real?).

Elsa sang some anime soundtracks and Japanese songs which Miss Perfume and I didn't know so we just watched her "perform." She really looked like she was performing on stage while singing in karaoke. Whoa, that girl. 

My choice of songs include "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic! At The Disco, "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance, "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" by Fall Out Boy, "Love is on the Radio" by McFly, and "Di Sayidan" by Shaggy Dog. 

I found out that "Nine in the Afternoon" sounded hollow without Brendon Urie's voice. Hahaha... I just couldn't replace his voice (of course!). The song was happy and it was one of the few songs I dared to play before my thesis exam.

"Famous Last Words" was great. I felt relieved to sing, shout, and scream during that song. It was like my mental "burden" during the process of thesis making was lifted when I sang it. The song allowed me to feel angry, frustrated, and sad, but powerful at the same time. Strange, isn't it? Plus, I had microphone to sing, so the effect was better.

"My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" was another memory. There was a time during the process of thesis writing when I had this big problem (I can’t talk about it, sorry) and I listened to this song over and over again to make myself feel better. It turned out that some parts of that song were a bit too fast for me to sing. I will practice!

To reduce "tension", I sang "Love is on the Radio" by McFly. Elsa and Miss Perfume laughed at the line, "We'll have a son and we'll give him a sister." That line was cute but strange when I sang it, hahaha...

I didn't know why I chose "Di Sayidan". The last time I had listened to it was in high school. I just thought that song was catchy and would be nice to sing and listen to with my friends.

Later that night, I was happy and content. I still had to change some part of my thesis and scientific article, though. 

At this point, I've just realised that my three posts about thesis exam are more like song related posts. Maybe later I will write more scientific posts.

The Day of My Thesis Exam

I realise that I've procrastinated too long to write this story. 

On March, 16th I presented my thesis in front of my examiners but there are more to recall.

In the morning, I checked my presentation slide and I thought it was inappropriate. It only consisted of 10 slides and it would have taken about 5 minutes to present. Too short. I then contacted Miss Perfume and she told me what to add. I ended up with 15 slides. Thanks, Miss Perfume.

I went by a car with my father and my cousin. My dad accompanied me to the meeting room. My cousin parked the car and went somewhere else. 

Now let me talk about the meeting room. So, every department in hospital has a meeting room. I had to present my thesis in meeting room of psychiatry department and, to be honest, I didn't really  like the place. The place was small and there were many people. 

By the time I arrived in front of the meeting room, there was a lecture so I had to wait. I was a little excited and nervous so I put my headphones and played "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin in my phone. That song never fails to calm me down.

Then Lady Slytherin came. She had some conversation with my dad and gave me some tips. After that Miss Perfume came. So, four of us waited outside the meeting room. I couldn't keep myself still so I danced to "Ready to Go" that was played in my head. Elsa came a little later after I started my presentation.

Then my exam started. I had 5 examiners but only 3 attend my presentation that day. My presentation went well. However, I couldn't answer the question about molecular biology from my first examiner. Why??!! I need to work it out, I think. I also need to pay more attention to the "rules", like word choice and font. I forgot to make some foreign words italic, duh.

Talking about word choice, my first counsellor told me to use the word "writer" instead of "we", and "study" instead of "research". He also told me to use my own words instead of rewrite someone's words. I did use my own words. Well, I admit, I rewrote at some parts. All right, I'll change that.

My second counsellor responded, "I'm sure that (my name) can write in her own words. She writes a lot in campus magazine and blog." I couldn't help but grin at his comment. My second counsellor was a friendly lecturer and he knew about this blog. I just didn't expect him to mention this blog in a thesis exam. Thankfully, he didn't share my blog address to the other two examiners.

Minutes later, my exam was over. I was relieved.

I still had to have exam with the other two examiners. I contacted them and they could examine me one day later.

In the night, I played "Mad as Rabbits" and "Behind the Sea" by Panic! At The Disco for a little celebration.

The Day Before Thesis Exam

On Wednesday, March 16th, I had thesis examination. It means that I presented my thesis in front of my counsellors and examiners. 

I stated in this blog that I didn't really like public speaking. However, the day before my exam, I felt okay. In fact, I was excited to present my thesis, which was a surprising fact considering that 1) I would talk in front of people, 2) I would be asked questions about my thesis, 3) I would present my thesis in a meeting room in the hospital, a place that never made me comfortable.

That day, I made power point presentation and read my thesis again. Yes, I know it was late. I procrastinated too much. 

Also, my dad caught me watching Brendon Urie video again. He said, "Prepare for your presentation. Stop playing around!" Why does my dad always catch me watching Brendon Urie?

Talking about Brendon Urie, I was careful to choose what songs I listened to that day. I didn't listen to "Build God, then We'll Talk" no matter how tempting it was. I didn't listen to "Northern Downpour" either because I could get strange feeling from it. I even held myself from listening to My Chemical Romance because their songs might evoke various emotion and hit me right in the "feel". 

So I decided to listen to Nine in the Afternoon, Ready to Go, and Always. All by Panic! At the Disco. Duh.

I also had a chat with Dika and he said, "Good luck. You can read fanfics first!" And strangely, I did. I read some fanfics that day. 

My state of being not nervous worried me. I started to think that I might take it too easy. I told another friend that I didn't feel nervous and I didn't really care if I couldn't answer the question. I told him that I didn't know whether it was good or bad sign. He said, "It may be a good sign but you not caring somehow sounds badass." I laughed at his response.

I slept well that night. Still not worried about my exam.

Death of a Bachelor

I'm addicted to the song "Death of a Bachelor" by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I'm overwhelmed!

In an interview, Brendon Urie said that the song was inspired by his wife and how he now lived different life. Unfortunately, I can't find the link to that interview video. In I other words, "Death of a Bachelor" is about change in life.

The greatest change in my life, until now, happens after I entered medical school. It was a big decision that I made myself and I, at some points, screw it up. 

If I hadn't been a medical student, I would have been a civil engineering student. That was my second choice. I guess instead of learning how to examine meningeal signs or reading physiology book, I would discuss how to build a strong yet cost-effective bridge or draw a building structure.

Medical school gives me a lot of stories. Some stories are worth to tell, some are meant to be secret. 

I experience failure multiple times in medical school. I even came to the point where I didn't want to try anymore because I felt my trying was useless. 

I procrastinate a lot in medical school. Something that should be taboo considering we have plenty of works to do, material to study, and skill to practice.

I feel frustation many times because I don't understand some subjects. That frustration can lead to feeling of guilt since I remind myself that one day someone's life will depend on my knowledge of the subjects.

I got my first depression, too. And if someday I meet a patient with depression who is reluctant to get medical treatment, I think I will understand that patient. Because I know how it feels to be scared of telling others about your depression.

I also had to deal with mental trauma after sexual assault while, at the same time I had to study some medical stuff. It went badly. The trauma won. I couldn't study well.

However, I have some nice friends in medical school.

They are friends who remind me that happiness and health matter more than good grade. Our knowledge is important but we try to pursue it while keeping our body healthy and our mind sane. We cheer each other when trouble happens. We share gossip, news, and fantasy. We also study and practice OSCE together, in our way. 

I don't know if I would experience these kinds of failure, procrastination, frustration, depression, and friendship had I been a civil engineering student. I can't even imagine how it would have been if I hadn't entered medical school. 

My "bachelor" version died the day I became a medical student. And I don't regret it. Well, maybe sometimes.

Exam is Closer

Today's daily prompt is to ask someone else to give blog prompt. I asked Elsa and she said, "The comprehensive exam that is getting closer". I regret my decision of asking her.

Considering that I haven't finished my thesis, I can just go crazy if I also think about my comprehensive exam. What is comprehensive exam? In my medical school, we take comprehensive exam after years of pre clinical phase as a condition to enter clinical phase. Before taking comprehensive exam, a student must have passed all credits needed and finished the thesis and the editing.

The first comprehensive exam in this year will be held on March, 13th. I guess even if I can't take the exam on March, I can take it another time on June, if I'm not mistaken. It would be better to take it on June since I will be more prepared.

Beside, there is something more important that I should pay attention: my sleep.

I was Fine until I Enter the Jungle

I'm not comfortable in front of people. Never. 

When I was at school, public speaking was not a big problem. I could present a subject or tell a story in front of class quite easily. I even joined speech or story telling contests.  

Since I become medical student, my self confidence decreases. Public speaking is scary now. I don't know why. Perhaps because being medical student, I'm taught to do everything correctly and properly so I'm afraid of making mistake. Thus, I become more self conscious.

What actually causes stage fright? I watch TED-Ed video that explains it. The video says that we humans perceive public speaking as a threat for our reputation. That perception is a reaction from fight-or-flight response. Fight-or-flight response is a primitive reaction that occurs in dangerous situation so you can decide whether to flight and save your life or fight to death. In short, it's just a public speaking, but our primitive mind consider it life-threatening.

I guess my brain perceives medical school as a jungle with beasts and monsters in it. Thanks medical school, you succesfully activate my primitive mind, a little bit too much. Now teach me to be the strongest beast.

A Strange Guilt

When I had KKN, I met a lot of people. Usually, my group leader talked and introduce us to the people we met. He introduced not only our names but also our majors. He even called me "future doctor" or "doctor". 

To be honest, I felt guilty when someone introduce me as future doctor. Yes, it's true that I'm a medical student and I want to be a doctor. However, I feel that, I haven't tried my best in medical school. I waste a lot of my time  browsing random stuff or doing useless thing instead of studying. Many times I don't make good amount of preparation for tests or exams. The mistakes I make in OSCE are often caused by my lack of practice. Beside that, there are a lot of basic medical concept that I still don't understand. Being that kind of student, when my group leader introduced my as medical student, I sometimes wanted to scream, "Don't mention my major, please!"

It takes a great responsibility to be a doctor and when I think about my laziness and ignorance, I think I'm not ready yet to be one.

How is Your Thesis Going?

Students of my year are now busy writing undergraduate thesis and doing community service. The question "How is your thesis going?" sounds quite scary for us. 
My thesis is not finished yet (of course it isn't). I consulted my counsellor and he asked me to change the title because there have been many people who wrote "correlation of physical activity and sleep quality". I should write about specific activity. Then I decided to write about dance. Still, the professor asked me to write about specific dance. I'm going to do my research and find out.

Blanja Jamu

Mbiyen dina Jumat tanggal 5 Juni aku ngancani kancaku golek adas nggo skripsine dheweke. Kancaku iki neng postingan basa Inggris jenenge Lady Slytherin. Merga iki postingan basa Jawa karo basa Indonesia ya wis aku njenengi Nyonya Besar.

Awake dhewe motoran nyang Pasar Gedhe. Tekan kana takon karo tukang parkir, "Pak, pados obat sinshe ten pundi nggih?" Bar kuwi diancer-anceri panggone. Jebule adas sing digoleki Nyonya Besar ora ana ing toko obat. Ing toko obat kuwi anane obat sinshe sing wis dikemas. Ngendikane sing njaga toko, "Cari di kios jamu aja, Mbak. Di dekat kios buah-buahan di sana itu." 

Mlaku adhoh meneh. Bingung meneh. Takon meneh karo Pak Satpam sing njaga toko teh, "Pak, menawi badhe tumbas jamu ten pundi nggih?" "Ngrika, Mbak. Ngandhap jembatan," ngendikane Pak Satpam.

Pas mlaku menuju kios ngisor jembatan, awake dhewe nggawe video. Ya critane pengen nyoba nggawe video travel kaya YouTuber ngono lho. 

Tekan kios jamu ....
Nyonya Besar (NB): "Pak, ada adas?"
Penjaga toko (PT): "Adas yang jamu apa yang masak?"
NB: "Bedanya apa, Pak?"
PT: "Lha Mbaknya mau mbuat jamu apa mau masak? Kalau mau masak ya beli adas masak."
Aku: "Yang buat masak itu yang manis apa yang pedas?"
PT: "Yang buat masak itu yang manis, baunya agak harum. Kalau yang buat jamu itu yang agak pedas, yang warnanya agak hijau."
NB: "Oh ya udah, Pak. Coba lihat yang manis dulu."
PT: (maringi adas manis)
NB: "Ini harganya berapa, Pak?"
PT: "Mbaknya mau beli berapa?"
NB: "Sekilo berapa?"
PT: "Sekilo Rp 50.000,00."
NB: "Ya sudah, Pak. Beli sekilo sekalian."

Aku lagi pisan kuwi weruh wujude adas manis. Jebule bentukane kaya gabah. Tenanan, goleka ing Google. Mangga menawi kersa maos artikel saking Wikipedia basa Indonesia:  https://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adas_manis ; basa Inggris: https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Anise
Oh, iya, bar kuwi aku nonton videone awake dhewe pas mlaku nyang ngisor jembatan. Jan tenan, videone tengil -_-

Body Language, Grit, and OCD

It has been a long time that I haven't posted in this blog. Many things happened and I hoped I could write them right after I experienced them, as usual. But I couldn't. I just felt tired.
Anyway, recently I've been watching TED a lot. Here I want to share three videos that I like and I think you should watch, too.
1. Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are
My father told me to maintain straight posture because I slouched a lot. Then I found this video and I was like, "Whoa!" Amy Cuddy said that our body language can affect our mind. How? You should watch the video.
2. Angela Lee Duckworth: The key to success? Grit
This video is short compared to other TED Talks videos. That's why I like it. Angela Lee Duckworth told us it's grit, not social intelligence, not IQ, that determines our success. Watch the video to find out what grit is and how it determined our success.
I guess I should embrace my inner Hufflepuff more.
3. Debunking the myths of OCD - Natascha M. Santos
Psychiatry and psychology are interesting. It's so interesting that many people like to diagnose themselves or their friends and family with certain psychological condition. OCD is one of those conditions that is often diagnosed. You should watch the video to understand that OCD is not so simple as being meticulous.