Out of Place

They stood in the corner. She wrote in her small notebook, he drew sketches. Both seemed out of place in the masquerade ball.

"Oh, you draw the lady with purple dress over there? Her hair is wavy. You draw her wrong," she said to him.

He retort, "Would you please shut up and go back to your writing? What do you write anyway?" Then he took her notebook and read while mimicking her voice, "A newlywed man play single on the dance floor."

Even when his face was covered with a mask, she could tell he was surprised. "What?" She asked.

"What was that supposed to mean? Play single? How did you even know that he's newlywed?"

"I just know," she replied. "Hey, would you like to dance? After that you can approach that lady in purple dress."

"I can't dance and I don't want to approach that lady."

"Put your paper and pencil in your pocket. I'll teach you how to dance and talk to a lady," she said while grabbing his right wrist.

"I talk to you all the time."

"All right, correction then. I'll teach you how to dance and talk to a lady other than me."

P.S. I've never gone to a ball or masquerade so if this story sounds unlikely, please tell me. 

Sansa Stark and Girl's Struggle

Game of Thrones season 6 is going to air soon. I'm a Game of Thrones completely internet fan. It means that I don't watch the entire show and I don't read the entire books either. I get information here and there from the internet and I can still call myself a fan, can't I?

I'm curious about Sansa's fate in season 6. Rumour says she will do good. I hope so because Sansa is my favourite character.

Why is Sansa my favourite character? Because, in my opinon, Sansa Stark is relatable. I guess every girl or woman, at some points in their life can relate to Sansa. There must be one time when a girl wants to speak up or put up a fight but hold herself because she remembers that "a lady's armor is courtesy" so she put her armor of courtesy to protect herself, to keep herself alive. If you consider that a weakness, then you don't understand. Some girls don't have many choices and all they want is to be alive and safe, and safe can be defined in various ways.

I also adore Arya. Many times I want to fight like Arya but I remember that I don't live in Westeros and I can't stab people as I want. I don't even know how to handle a sword. I think Sansa also wants to fight like Arya sometimes but she is aware that she can't do that. 

After all, those Stark sisters show and remind me the struggle of being a girl.

Opening Up about My Mental Condition

On the last few days I experienced burnout and worse, it happened when I had to finalise my thesis editing and write scientific article. Worse, the registration for graduation ceremony in June has been opened. Worse, my mom was anxious and she told me to hurry up and finish everything so I could graduate in June.

I don't really like it when someone tells me to hurry up, especially when I get a bad case of burnout.

That time, I decided to tell my mom, "I can't think and work quickly like I did when I was at school. Now it's easy for me to get mentally exhausted and when it happens, I can't do anything. I just can't."

It was relieving to say that. Seriously. Finally I told someone of my family about my mental condition and I felt great. It doesn't mean that I got better right after I told my mom. And my mom may not take me to psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm just happy from the fact that I finally opened up about my mental condition. 

After I said that, my mom answered, "Well, let's just hope that you can finish it well." I think she understands.

I told my friend about it and he said, "I guess all you need is emotional support?" That response hit me because I never really cared about emotional support. Maybe because, in my opinion, being in this condition for a long time, I'm used to feeling it alone. Burnout after burnout, sometimes even depression, and I don't tell my family about how I feel. I often think to myself that I can deal with it alone because that's how it works for me: burnout or depression comes, I suffer, and it ends then I live normally, after that it comes again, I suffer again then it ends, and the cycle repeats many times.

That day I learned that telling someone about my mental condition doesn't heal me right but it does make me feel better, even just a bit.

Hyperventilating Fangirl

I like Panic! At The Disco but I don't know all of their songs. Today was the first time I heard the song "She Had the World" and I loved it. The song was beautiful and I got teary eyes from the emotion. After that, I heard the part where Ryan sang and I made hyperventilating noise.

I didn't really have difficulty in breathing when listening to Ryan Ross. It was just kind of habit. I don't always like his voice but when his voice is damn fine (in my opinion), I make hyperventilating noise. I haven't found out why. I know that some psychological condition like panic attack can cause real hyperventilation but I didn't experience panic attack. I experience Panic! At The Disco attack. Are they the same thing? I don't think so.

Idea for next research or whatever: cause of hyperventilation among fangirl. Anyone involved in fandom and interested in pulmonology and neuropsychiatry? Here I've given you idea.

Burnout

I have short attention span.

Short attention span plus burnout equals mental torture to me, and that happens now.

Two days ago I wrote preface for my thesis. It was a standard preface and I had gotten the format from my friend. It was an easy task. However, bringing myself to type a lecturer's name in preface was already a mental workout for me. 

I still haven't written scientific article and I don't know when I can start. How can I write if I can't even think about it?

The registration for graduation ceremony started a few days ago and it will be closed on May 5th. I hope I can finish my article before May 5th.

I hope I can get over this burnout.

I Feel Done

I've ever mentioned in this blog that I was interested in psychiatry. I still am. However, after writing thesis with psychiatry topic, I feel done.

I once considered being a psychiatrist but after months of writing psychiatry-related thesis, I changed my mind. I have come to realisation that psychiatry is not for me. It's interesting but I will learn it as a hobby (now I sound like Saitama from One Punch Man), otherwise I will drain my mental energy.

I haven't figured out which medical career path that I want to choose.

Poem Taken From a Newspaper Item

by Manuel Bandeira

Sweet Johnny was a porter in the open market and lived in a numberless shack on Babylon Hill
One night he went into Twentieth of November Bar
He drank
He sang
He danced
Then he threw himself into Rodrigo de Freitas lagoon and died drowned

I first found this poem from a book by Sapardi Djoko Damono, entitled "Bilang Begini Maksudnya Begitu" and it was the Indonesian version. Then I found that English version from the internet, from google book "Brazilian Women Speak: Contemporary Life Stories". 

Here is the Indonesian version.

Sajak Berdasarkan Sebuah Berita di Koran

Si John Periang adalah seorang pesuruh di Pasar Petani dan tinggal di Bukit Babilonia di sebuah gubuk yang tak bernomor
Pada suatu malam ia pergi ke Warung Dua Puluh November
Ia minum
Ia menyanyi
Ia menari
Kemudian ia menceburkan diri ke dalam Telaga Rodrigo de Freitas dan Tenggelam

I may write more about poems in the upcoming posts. I don't promise.

Green Things in My Fandoms

The prompt is "green" so I'm just going to brainstrom some green things in fandom.

Green is the colour of Slytherin. It's the house of those cunning folks who use any means to achieve their ends.

Harry Potter has green eyes. It is said that Harry has his mother's eyes. Rowling said if they were casting Lily, there needed to be a resemblance (in the eyes) but they don't absolutely have to be green.

The killing curse Avada Kedavra produces green light. On a side note, when writing this, I suddenly want to do flame test experiment and create green flame. I will ask my mother later. She's a chemistry teacher by the way.

House Tyrell has golden rose on green field as their sigil. They rule the Reach, the most fertile region and thus, the greenest part of Westeros.

There is a song by Panic! At The Disco called That Green Gentleman. I like the lyrics, "Things have changed for me and that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way." What I don't understand is the title. Why is the gentleman green? Why is the song given that title? Who wrote the lyrics and who gave the title? What did he think when he pick the title? Then I realise that the only sensible answer is, "Because it's a song by Panic! At The Disco."

I realise that I can't find any green thing related to My Chemical Romance. Well, Gerard Way hasn't dyed his hair green, has he?

Some Places, Real and Fictional

I don't travel a lot and I haven't been so faraway from home. I would love to. There are places I want to visit, both real and fictional.

In real world, Russia is still on the top of my places-to-visit list. I want to watch ballet in Bolshoi Theatre or take Trans Siberian railway journey.

In fictional world, I want to visit Westeros after the place is safe and peaceful enough. But when? We can't be sure.

Westeros can be a great place to visit. From the cold North to fertile region of the Reach then to the desert of Dorne. I even consider taking Lady Slytherin to Westeros if she doesn't mind. She's not much into "A Song of Ice and Fire" but I guess she will agree to travel once Westeros is safe. 

Lady Slytherin is a fan of J. R. R. Tolkien so she may take me to Middle Earth in return. She has always wanted to go to there to meet Thranduil and rule the realm together. Let them rule, I will just visit the Shire. 

Another fictional place to visit, recommended by Elsa, is Cerulean City. I don't know much about Pokemon but I think it would be a nice place to visit. If I happen to visit Cerulean City, I surely will hire Elsa to be my tour guide.

I ended up writing one real place and three fictional places. It may explain enough about my perspective.

In the Morning

She looked at her right leg, at the dark temporary tattoo contrasting her pale skin. Its colour started to fade. "I need to buy a new one," she thought to herself. She considered having a new one on her waist, or her shoulder; anywhere only she could see it.

Once she wore her long skirt, the tattoo is covered.

Then she put on coral lipstick and practiced her smile. 

She was ready to face the day.

Talking about Fandom: That Moment When You Can't Function

The prompt today is clarity. Why is the prompt "clarity" when I can't think clearly now? 

My feeling is wrecked by an abandoned fanfic. Plus, the author abandoned it in an emotional part where the problem hadn't been solved and now I'm flooded with affection toward the main character. How I want to hug him and tell him everything is all right and he is enough. It may sound silly but that's what I feel now.

Have you ever felt that kind of emotion for someone you don't even know in person? Fiction readers deal with that many times. Anyone involved in fandom deals with that.

However, not many people understand that feeling so that may be the reason why there is fandom community in internet. You can find it in the form of blog, discussion forum, pinterest board, instagram account, YouTube videos, or anything. It's like a support group where fans share stories and understand each other.

Such community can either push you further into the depth of emotional valley or help you get up and face the real world. I experience both.

After a while, things will be better and I hope we can function again. We, fandom "residents" can always face both real and fictional world. We are strong enough.

Z Berg's Personal Narrative

A few days ago I opened Ryan Ross' facebook page and scrolled a bit too far through it. Don't ask me why I did that.

I found a post from 2014 about Z Berg's EP. In the last paragraph, he said, "If I had to offer one piece of advice: Write a song that moves people, and write it from within yourself. Your personal narrative is more engaging and moving than anything else you can imagine in your mind. Z writes real, personal songs, and that's why they're as powerful as they are."

I listened from soundcloud and my first impression was, I felt comfortable to listen to the songs, even before I understood the lyrics.

I like the song Charades. On a side note, when I read the word "charades" I felt familiar then I realised that my family car is Daihatsu Charade. Fine, then.

I searched for the lyrics and found them on Z Berg's bandcamp. That moment, I understood what Ryan Ross meant with "real, personal songs." The lyrics are honest but not brutal. They're beautiful, delicate even. 

The lyrics for "Killing Time" song touched me. It talks about dysfunctional relationship (I guess) and instead of expressing direct anger or sadness, this song expresses a kind of frustration. It's the feeling when your common sense tells you something is wrong but you convince yourself that it's all right. What kind of feeling is that? This time, I still call that frustation, and it doesn't only happen in relationship.

In some ways, I find the song "I Fall for the Same Face" funny. It reminds me of that time when I was a teenager and I was always attracted to guys who, have almost similar features. Even my friends could see which guy I would be interested in because it was quite predictable.

And that was how I found comfort in listening to a songwriter's - as Ryan Ross said - personal narrative.

I Try Spotify

Daphne from Volume Up wrote a post "5 Ways to Discover Your New Favorite Band" and she suggested Spotify as her first recommendation.

There are two versions: free and premium. I try the free version (it's called free version, right?). As far as I know, in premium version, there won't be any advertisement in random time between songs. 

I chose only a few songs so the list doesn't look overwhelming because I always have the urge to delete files when the folder is full but don't know which file to delete.

I started with Panic! At The Disco (when will this fangirling phase be over?) and only chose maximum three songs from each album. Then I found the album Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance and I thought, "I like all of them. I will feel guilty to leave any song out," so I added all of them to the list. Of course I also put Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.

I haven't tried any songs in my "Discover" feature. There are so many of them and I still have many times to discover.

Instead, I tried the "Radio", chose rock genre, and found a song called "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. I later found out that Buffalo Springfield was an old rock band. My mom's influence, again.

As someone whose musical routine often depends on YouTube (yes, that's me), I think Spotify is nice. It's a music streamer so it doesn't take too long time to load and listen to the music. Saying that makes me feel like I cheat on YouTube by the way.

Rambling about Marriage: What?

I took hours to write a draft about it but it didn't turn up good so I just want to ramble here.

I've set my timer for 10 minutes. Here we go.

A close friend of mine has already had a serious conversation with her parents about marriage. She hasn't got a husband-to-be so her parents told her to get one. 

One day, my mom said, "You've finished your thesis. Soon you will be a co-assistant, then a doctor. After that, get married and give me grandchild(ren)." I answered, "Please don't rush me into getting married soon." She said, "All right, I won't rush you. Just don't take too long time." What?

To be honest, I haven't considered marriage seriously. I'm in early twenties and I want to get married when I'm 27 or 28. Why should I worry now? I have many things to worry about without even adding marriage to the list.

My age of choice is also a problem. Many people here think that 25 is ideal age for a woman to marry. That may be true for those people but for me, I won't be ready to get married at the age of 25. I'm the one who will get married so I'm supposed to understand when I'm ready, aren't I? However, some people think 27 or 28 is a little late. What?

I've rambled for 10 minutes now.

All right, 10 more minutes then.

My mom once told me, "When you have found the good man, just tell me." I said, "Okay."

Talking about man... Where should I start? Whatever, I'll talk about my feeling instead. I have had crush multiple times. However, when I'm attracted to someone, I always have mixed feeling. Some parts of my mind want friendship, some other parts want relationship, the rest of the parts just don't care. The parts that want friendship make 80% of the mixture. Even when I feel strong romantic feeling about someone, the 80% can always come and make me want friendship instead.

Maybe someday the mixture composition of that feeling changes when I found the right man. What?

Oh, by friendship, I mean that friendship where you are able to communicate easily, maybe even comfortable silence.

So, my time for rambling is up.

I hope I can find the right good man without, as my mother say, taking too long time.