Playing Ingress

My friend Maria told me about game called Ingress. It's a game played on cellphone where the player should go and visit certain places shown in the map. By "go and visit", I mean it literally. The player has to move and walk (or ride, or drive, whatever).

I had quite a nice adventure today. I played Ingress and found some places in my city that I didn't know existed. How I couldn't know the places, that's a mystery since I've lived in Solo for more than 20 years.

I'm still in level 1 and I plan on playing it again tomorrow with my friends. It should be fun.

On Fandom and Beauty

I read the 133rd episode of webtoon comic "Family over Flower". That's the link for Indonesian version. I don't know whether the English version is available. 

In that episode, the headmaster said, "Kecantikan itu seperti pedang bermata dua. Orang yang melihatnya akan merasakan kebahagiaan tiada batas, tapi bila terlalu terjebak di dalamnya, jantung pun tidak akan tahan." In English, I translate it as, "Beauty is like double-edged sword. People who see it will feel infinite happiness, but if they're trapped inside, their hearts can't handle it."

Wait, what?

That's how I feel when I have my fangirl moment over fiction or band. I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes it seems that my heart can't handle so much feeling.

I guess fandom can also mean beauty.

I Will Miss Family, Friends, Food, etc

Let me respond to today's prompt before I actually study (duh). 

If I go to Mars and never return, I will both miss Earth and be happy to leave it. 

I will miss my family and close friends, unless they go with me to Mars. I will miss the food on Earth and I'm not sure that we can cook well on Mars. The bookstores and books will surely be missed so I think if I ever go to Mars, I will bring many books. I also think that I will miss cats so I hope the cats on Mars are just as interesting as Earth's cats. Beside, considering that I spend a lot of time in the internet, I hope as soon as I arrive at Mars, I can create super internet technology so I can see find out what happens on Earth and share what happens on Mars.

However, there are things from Earth that I will be happy to leave, annoying people for example. There are so many of them and sometimes I feel frustrated that I can't get rid of them. Those people, and crowd. I don't like crowd.

Since I don't plan on leaving the Earth soon, I guess I just have to cherish every moment on Earth and deal with the bad things.

His Name is Brendon Urie, Dad (This Post is not a Fanfiction)

I put the disclaimer in the title. Why would I mention fanfiction? Because it sounds like fanfiction title to me. 

Today I watched Brendon Urie on YouTube then my father came behind me and asked, "Who is that?" I was shocked because I was actually supposed to write my draft for scientific journal or to study for comprehensive exam, yet I watched Brendon Urie talk. I answered nervously, "His name is Brendon Urie, Dad." I thought my father would tell me that I should stop watching videos but instead he said, "He looks like your aunt's friend, but with glasses (in the video, Brendon Urie wore glasses). I just wondered why my daughter looked at her aunt's friend in the internet. Really, they look so similar." My response was like, "Huh?" And my father continued his story, "That friend of your aunt wanted to marry her but your aunt rejected him." I just said, "Whoa, really?"

So, today I found out that my aunt almost married a pseudo Brendon Urie. I also learned that I should be more careful when searching, reading, or watching random things in the internet or my parents would find out (naughty kid mode: on). Well, Brendon Urie video is not so random compared to other things I sometimes find in the internet, both intentionally or accidentally.

Now it's time to do what I'm supposed to do: studying, in Saturday night, with no snack to accompany me. How sad, but Brendon Urie says, "Smile even though you're sad."

Two, One, or Four

A lively group discussion, an intimate tête-à-tête, an inner monologue - in your view, when it comes to a good conversation, what's the ideal number of people?

I would say, two, one, or four.

I have some close friends but best conversations with them happen when there are only two people. We can share our unique -and sometimes crazy- thought. Beside, I have the chance to know my friend better. I also have specific topics that I can only speak to certain people.

One person conversation is something I often do myself. Usually when no one is around, I make a dialogue in my mind and sometimes I speak it. I even talk to myself in youtuber style, sometimes Dan, sometimes Carrie, but never Phil. I don't know why but in my opinion, it's difficult to speak in Phil Lester's style. 

When I say four, it means that four is the maximum number of people needed for good conversation. So, three or four is okay for me, especially if the four people involved are Lady Slytherin, Elsa, Miss Perfume, and me. Our conversation often goes like this

Elsa: "You must know something."
Miss Perfume and me: "What?"
Lady Slytherin: (acting cool)
Elsa: "Yesterday (a friend's name) told me that (someone's name) did this and that. Can you imagine that? That's crazy etc etc."
Then the discussion begins.

There were also times when we think that Elsa's news is plain and the conversation goes like this
Elsa: "Hey, I have a story."
Miss Perfume and me: "What?"
Lady Slytherin: (acting cool)
Elsa: "Yesterday (a friend's name) told me that (someone's name) did this and that. ..."
Lady Slytherin: "Just that? You're annoying. I have better story."

Sometime Miss Perfume and I start the conversation but I will keep that for other posts.

As for more than four people conversation, I can handle that just fine but that's not an ideal conversation for me. 

This is Awkward

The latest daily post is entitled "Pat on the Back". It says, "Tell someone you are proud of just how proud you are." What a prompt!

In real life I'm a reserved and concealed person. That makes this prompt difficult because it's not something I usually say to someone I know in real life. 

This post may be cheesy, cliché, or cringeworthy but I have to write anyway. I write it for my friend who is currently struggling with things I'd rather not say.

Hey you, who struggles with so many things

I haven't told you this but let me tell you in this post. I'm proud of you. You just don't realise how great it feels to talk to you. You're smart and willing to learn anything. You're brave to admit your feeling and speak your mind without being a jerk, even when your idea is not the popular one.

Really, you also should be proud of yourself.

Sincerely,
Your fellow fighter

How I wish I could tell my friend about this without feeling awkward.

Self to Care for

I love myself.

I often say that, even when I was a kid. When being asked the question, "Who do you love most?", my friends' answers range from their parents to their crush. I was the only one who said, "Myself."

The prompt said, "Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favorite thing about yourself."

I write a lot about my problem in this blog. This time, let me write something good about myself. 

I'm mentally strong. At some point, I even surprise myself. I'm like, "Whoa, I really can get through this? I didn't think I would be able to do that."

I love my imagination. Reading fiction since I was a kid, I find it easy to imagine a story. It even becomes one of my coping mechanisms. I constantly make up stories in my head and think about many possibilities of an event.

I love that I understand the importance of loving myself from early age. Beside, I understand the difference between loving myself and being a selfish jerk. It makes me learn to avoid being selfish jerk.

Finally, I want to thank the prompt creator for reminding me that I have not only problem but also myself to care for.

Trapped

I've never left discussion, no matter how I want to do it.

One day I had group discussion. I hadn't learned much about the topic and I couldn't pay enough attention. My legs are restless. My mind wandered to fantasy land. I opened my laptop and searched for random stuff in the internet. 

Then I felt sleepy. All I wanted was to lie my head, close my eyes, and sleep. I looked at my watch and we still had an hour left to discuss. 

Great, I felt trapped.

Death of a Bachelor

I'm addicted to the song "Death of a Bachelor" by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I'm overwhelmed!

In an interview, Brendon Urie said that the song was inspired by his wife and how he now lived different life. Unfortunately, I can't find the link to that interview video. In I other words, "Death of a Bachelor" is about change in life.

The greatest change in my life, until now, happens after I entered medical school. It was a big decision that I made myself and I, at some points, screw it up. 

If I hadn't been a medical student, I would have been a civil engineering student. That was my second choice. I guess instead of learning how to examine meningeal signs or reading physiology book, I would discuss how to build a strong yet cost-effective bridge or draw a building structure.

Medical school gives me a lot of stories. Some stories are worth to tell, some are meant to be secret. 

I experience failure multiple times in medical school. I even came to the point where I didn't want to try anymore because I felt my trying was useless. 

I procrastinate a lot in medical school. Something that should be taboo considering we have plenty of works to do, material to study, and skill to practice.

I feel frustation many times because I don't understand some subjects. That frustration can lead to feeling of guilt since I remind myself that one day someone's life will depend on my knowledge of the subjects.

I got my first depression, too. And if someday I meet a patient with depression who is reluctant to get medical treatment, I think I will understand that patient. Because I know how it feels to be scared of telling others about your depression.

I also had to deal with mental trauma after sexual assault while, at the same time I had to study some medical stuff. It went badly. The trauma won. I couldn't study well.

However, I have some nice friends in medical school.

They are friends who remind me that happiness and health matter more than good grade. Our knowledge is important but we try to pursue it while keeping our body healthy and our mind sane. We cheer each other when trouble happens. We share gossip, news, and fantasy. We also study and practice OSCE together, in our way. 

I don't know if I would experience these kinds of failure, procrastination, frustration, depression, and friendship had I been a civil engineering student. I can't even imagine how it would have been if I hadn't entered medical school. 

My "bachelor" version died the day I became a medical student. And I don't regret it. Well, maybe sometimes.

What I Know about Reincarnation

I check the daily prompt and the prompt for today is about reincarnation.

I myself don't believe in reincarnation but I find it interesting so let me talk about it.

What I know about reincarnation is, after the soul leave its body, it will return to life, but in different body. The new body doesn't always take form of human body. It can be animal. I remember reading "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner and in a chapter about Bhutan, there was a story of a Buddhist that didn't want to harm animal because that animal could be his mother in another life. 

However, that belief in reincarnation has different result for someone else. My grandma once told me that he knew a man who follow Pangestu, or Kejawen faith. The man believed in reincarnation and he said that when people ate meat, it meant that they help a soul complete its reincarnation phase. 

Human is not the only being who is believed to experience reincarnation. It is said that the god Wisnu and Shesha the nagaraja also experience reincarnation. Wisnu was reborn as Rama and Krishna. While Shesha was reborn as Laksmana and Baladewa (or Balarama).

So, what do you think and know about reincarnation? If you find something wrong in my writing, please let me know.

Am I a Death Eater?

Gerard Way has just stated that he's sorted into Slytherin and his wand wood is made of yew. Then I remember something. Voldemort was a Slytherin and his wand was yew. The difference is, Gerard Way has dragon heartstring as wand core and Voldemort has phoenix feather.

Is Gerard Way secretly a Dark Lord? No, he's a Sleep Lord.

If he were Voldemort, would that make me, his fan, a Death Eater? No, I'd rather be a Pancake Eater.

Exam is Closer

Today's daily prompt is to ask someone else to give blog prompt. I asked Elsa and she said, "The comprehensive exam that is getting closer". I regret my decision of asking her.

Considering that I haven't finished my thesis, I can just go crazy if I also think about my comprehensive exam. What is comprehensive exam? In my medical school, we take comprehensive exam after years of pre clinical phase as a condition to enter clinical phase. Before taking comprehensive exam, a student must have passed all credits needed and finished the thesis and the editing.

The first comprehensive exam in this year will be held on March, 13th. I guess even if I can't take the exam on March, I can take it another time on June, if I'm not mistaken. It would be better to take it on June since I will be more prepared.

Beside, there is something more important that I should pay attention: my sleep.

Fandom Stuff Screenshots

Which quirky habit annoys you the most, and what quirky habit do you love - in yourself, or others.

I have the habit of screenshooting fandom stuff in instagram. I don't know if this habit is quirky or not but it makes me both annoyed and happy. 

It annoys me when I realise that I have screenshot too often and I need to delete some. Deleting fandom stuffs from my phone is more difficult that it sounds. Often, there are things that I can't let go but it's actually unimportant.

This habit makes me happy when I am sad or bored. Looking at the screenshots of fandom stuff can brighten my mood. 

Not a Proper Critique

Today's daily prompt says, "Write about the subject you usually blog about as if you were a music critic."

I have problem with that prompt since I don't have specific subject I usually blog about. I don't read a lot of music critique and I don't "understand" music either. Let me try anyway.

In my opinion, good music should not only make the listeners admire it but also affect their feeling. Good music should make connection with the listeners. That opinion can also explain why I listen My Chemical Romance more often than I do Deep Purple (sorry, mom). Objectively, I can say that Deep Purple is amazing, both in music and lyrics; better than My Chemical Romance. However, I feel more connected to My Chemical Romance. My mother, on the other hand, likes Deep Purple because she grew up listening to classic rock and I understand that she feels more related to Deep Purple. She even listened to Deep Purple during pregnancy. Fetus me listened to Deep Purple!!  

That can also be applied to any art work: dance, painting, anything. I enjoy watching Marianela Núñez dancing as Kitri because she makes me feel the free spirit, and Polina Semionova as Odile because I can feel her seduction.

As for this blog, actually I intended to focus on medical school but as time goes by, it becomes a documentary of my thought process, my problem and how I cope with it. I still remember my first post in this blog. It was about envy. I wrote that because at that time, I compared myself to people and I envied them because I thought I achieved less than them. 

There are still so many things to improve in this blog: content, the writing in general, vocabulary, and tone. However, I can't make a proper critique for the subject of my blog since I write about various things. Also, I can always feel connected with this blog (of course!) so this blog is always good for me.

I was Fine until I Enter the Jungle

I'm not comfortable in front of people. Never. 

When I was at school, public speaking was not a big problem. I could present a subject or tell a story in front of class quite easily. I even joined speech or story telling contests.  

Since I become medical student, my self confidence decreases. Public speaking is scary now. I don't know why. Perhaps because being medical student, I'm taught to do everything correctly and properly so I'm afraid of making mistake. Thus, I become more self conscious.

What actually causes stage fright? I watch TED-Ed video that explains it. The video says that we humans perceive public speaking as a threat for our reputation. That perception is a reaction from fight-or-flight response. Fight-or-flight response is a primitive reaction that occurs in dangerous situation so you can decide whether to flight and save your life or fight to death. In short, it's just a public speaking, but our primitive mind consider it life-threatening.

I guess my brain perceives medical school as a jungle with beasts and monsters in it. Thanks medical school, you succesfully activate my primitive mind, a little bit too much. Now teach me to be the strongest beast.

Three Narrators (or Four in the Future)

Today's daily prompt is, "Your blog is about to be recorded into audiobook. If you could choose anyone - from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson - to narrate your posts, who would it be?"

Never in my life have I considered my blog becoming audiobook. If we talk about speaking voice, I like Lisa Eldridge. Her voice is calming and I always enjoy listening to her talking while applying makeup. However, I think Lisa Eldridge voice doesn't match my blog content so I choose Dan Howell, Phil Lester, and Carrie Hope Fletcher. 

I choose them because my blog posts are mostly written in English. Dan, Phil, and Carrie are my role model in speaking English. I admit that I sometimes copy their way of speech when I talk in English discussion forum. I guess Carrie can narrate any Harry Potter, Disney, book, and music related posts. Phil will narrate my happy posts while Dan my "trying to be cool and sarcastic" posts. 

And maybe one day when my blog change the style (who knows?) to ladylike and classy blog, I can have Lisa Eldridge narrate it.

Just Look at All That Pain

Recently, I go back to my teenaged-MCR-fangirl mode. I binge watch their videos on YouTube: music videos, the making of the music videos, live performance, and interviews. I feel various emotion hit me, in a good way.

I didn't even know how it started. Oh, maybe I know. Let me remember.

I have been feeling down and when I feel down, I usually project my feeling to a kind of escape. About few weeks ago, I watched Dan and Phil a lot then I remembered Muse. I watched Muse then I remembered my teenaged self. After that I watched My Chemical Romance. Until now.

I started by remembering my two friends who were also drummers years ago. When talking about "Welcome to the Black Parade", one said that the drum playing was crazy, the other one said, "It's played by two drummers. It's impossible for one drummer to play it." Despite listening to music a lot, my ears are never sensitive. Few days ago, I found the drum cover of Welcome to the Black Parade by COOP3RDRUMM3R and the drummer in that video "doubled himself" so yes, the song needs more than one drummer. 

I listened to many of their songs then I remembered the song "Disenchanted". When I think of My Chemical Romance, "Disenchanted" doesn't usually come to my mind but this time it does. After I listened to it again, I felt something strange. I felt sad, longing for something that I have lost, but at the same time, I accepted the losing.

Then I listened to their post-breakup songs. I like Gerard Way's "Brother", Frank Iero's "B.F.F.", and Ray Toro's "Isn't That Something". Listening to "Brother" after "Disenchanted" may not be a good idea because that "strange feeling" was doubled. Frank Iero's "B.F.F." is cute because he performs it with his twin daughters. "Isn't That Something" by Ray Toro is simply amazing. 

I watched the making of Helena video and I was like, "How can I just realise that Frank Iero was adorable?" In that video making process, Ray was like a dad keeping Frank from doing silly thing.

There was also this one interview with Frank Iero and Ray Toro that warmed my heart. A fan asked, "How does it feel when someone tells you that your band saved their life?" Frank said, "I'm happy that we inspired them but they need to give themselves more credit." And Ray added, "We might give them a little push with the song but it's definitely them finding the strength within themselves." 

I guess it's great to know how a band can inspire their fans even after the breakup. They also made their own eulogy, a song entitled "Fake Your Death". The song is honest and quite "raw", with video that contains so many "feels". Just look at all that pain.

"My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die," Gerard Way said in his "letter", which he closed with, "Because it is not a band- it is an idea." Yes, it is an idea that has inspired my teenaged self. I guess it was an idea that she wanted to keep and I'm thankful for that. Hi my teenaged self, I'm not okay but I am not afraid to keep on living. 

P.S. I've just found out that today's daily prompt is about song. What a coincidence!