Boggart and Sexual Assault

In Harry Potter series, boggart is an amortal shape shifting non-being that takes on the form of viewer's worst fear.

Hermione's boggart on her third year was Professor McGonagall telling her that she failed all exams. Molly Weasley's boggart was the dead bodies of her family.

When I was at school, I thought my boggart would be like Hermione's since I was quite an overachiever. After I entered medical school, I found out that failure in exam was not that scary so I guessed my boggart would be the dead bodies of my family or friends.

Then I was sexually assaulted and I understood what fear was like. It was worse than failure in exam, even worse than losing a loved one. I'm fine with bad grade in university. I can deal with losing a family member or friend quite well. However, sexual assault is different.

There are countless times I regret the assault. It's irrational, though. I'm the victim but why would I regret? I just can't help it. I think about "what if" and "I should have" even when I'm fully aware that it was not my fault and I can't turn back time.

In Harry Potter series, we say "Riddikulus" to combat a boggart. While saying the charm, we need to concentrate on something funny that the boggart will change shape into.

Sadly, everytime I think about those who assaulted me, or any kind of sexual assault, I think about the scene in Game of Thrones where Arya killed Meryn Trant, the cruel knight who was also a pedophile. In that scene, Arya stabbed Meryn Trant several times in his eyes and chest then finally slitted his throat. I sometimes imagine myself doing that to those who assault me but imagination is imagination. I can't do that. I don't do such thing.

I haven't got any idea of something funny to change my boggart into because there is nothing funny about sexual assault.

Talking about Fandom: Is It Just a Phase?

Oxford dictionary has some definition of phase. The first definition is "a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development". That definition has more sub-definition (I don't know what to call it): 1.1. a stage in a person's psychological development, especially a period of temporary difficulty during adolescence or particular stage during childhood; 1.2. a stage in the life cycle or annual cycle of an animal.

When I was a kid, I read and watched Detective Conan a lot. My dad told me, "You won't like Detective Conan anymore when you grow up." I responded, "I will like Conan until I'm old."

It turned out that my dad was right, partly. As I grew up, I became less obsessed with Conan but then a day came when my cousin let me read some Conan comics that she borrowed from her friend. I was obsessed with Conan again, for days, or weeks. I even considered naming my motorcycle Conan although I then put the idea at the back of my mind.

So my dad thought that my obsessive-fangirl-state is just a once-in-a-lifetime phase but it didn't turn that way. My obsession is a part of a bigger cycle which I call a fan cycle. It happens this way: I discover something good -> I become curious -> I try to know more about it -> I like it more -> I'm obsessed for a period of time -> dormant period -> I discover another something good -> repeat cycle. That's what happens to me. 

Fan cycle can vary to different people. Some people may stay in obessive phase forever. Some people exeperience multiple cycles at once, which means that they are into multiple fandoms with almost same amount of love and attention (or obsession). Some people don't go further than the discovering phase.

One cycle of specific fan cycle can stop happening then occur again after a long time. It happens to me with Detective Conan, as I mention above. I also experienced my My-Chemical-Romance-fan-cycle again after years of not really thinking about them.

Why and how a long forgotten fan cycle can occur again in our head? That's a topic for another post.

Not Allowed

"May I take care of your scar?"

"No. Every scar has story and I haven't allowed you to enter my story. Beside, it's scar, not wound. I can deal with it."

"Will you ever allow me? I just want to help."

"I don't know."

Songs That Sounds Like Fiction

Yesterday's prompt is "stairway" and my mind instantly remember the song Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.  I mention that song several times in this blog, by the way. 

Stairway to Heaven is one of those songs which lyrics sound like fiction. The story features a lady who is buying a stairway to heaven. My favourite is the live version in Madison Square Garden, New York city, 1973. Not only that we can listen to longer solo guitar by Jimmy Page, we can also watch Robert Plant's gesture. Robert Plant did look like telling a story in that live version.

Another fiction-like song is Hotel California by Eagles. It tells a story about a hotel on a dark desert highway but it later turns out that the hotel is only programmed to receive. I looked for the live version and I found this video. I was surprised to see that the singer also played drum. That was rare for me. On a side note, my favourite part of that song lyrics is "This could be heaven or this could be hell." That describes my life choice.

I also like Temple of the King by Rainbow. For some unknown reasons, everytime I listen to that song, I remember Kung Fu Panda. The strong young man in that song is Po and the temple of the king is Jade Palace. Really, I'm stuck with that messed up interpretation. I'm sorry, Ritchie Blackmore. I usually listen to this version but when I searched for the live version, I found this.

And finally, another song that sounds like fiction - which I happen to mention a lot in this blog - is Build God then We'll Talk by Panic! At The Disco. The song sets in a substandard motel and the characters are an attorney, his Mrs., and a virgin. The attorney cheated with the virgin but his Mrs. chose to stay with him: wonderful caricature of intimacy. How did Ryan Ross get the idea for the lyrics? My favourite version of that song is from Live in Denver because we can listen to Brendon Urie's vocal, watch his expression and gesture (he really told a story), and listen to Ryan Ross' damn-fine part.

Oh, by the way, I think it would be nice if someone write fiction based on any song lyrics in this post. Write about that lady with stairway to heaven. What will happen to her and the stairway? Will she take someone or some people to walk on the stairway with her? Write about that person in Hotel California. What will happen to him? Will he try to escape or accept his fate? Write about that strong young man. Will the king give him task or something? Write about the people in that motel. What will happen to the virgin after she begins to work at the firm? What does the Mrs. keep in her purse? Will the lawyer leave his Mrs or stay with her?