The Day Before Thesis Exam

On Wednesday, March 16th, I had thesis examination. It means that I presented my thesis in front of my counsellors and examiners. 

I stated in this blog that I didn't really like public speaking. However, the day before my exam, I felt okay. In fact, I was excited to present my thesis, which was a surprising fact considering that 1) I would talk in front of people, 2) I would be asked questions about my thesis, 3) I would present my thesis in a meeting room in the hospital, a place that never made me comfortable.

That day, I made power point presentation and read my thesis again. Yes, I know it was late. I procrastinated too much. 

Also, my dad caught me watching Brendon Urie video again. He said, "Prepare for your presentation. Stop playing around!" Why does my dad always catch me watching Brendon Urie?

Talking about Brendon Urie, I was careful to choose what songs I listened to that day. I didn't listen to "Build God, then We'll Talk" no matter how tempting it was. I didn't listen to "Northern Downpour" either because I could get strange feeling from it. I even held myself from listening to My Chemical Romance because their songs might evoke various emotion and hit me right in the "feel". 

So I decided to listen to Nine in the Afternoon, Ready to Go, and Always. All by Panic! At the Disco. Duh.

I also had a chat with Dika and he said, "Good luck. You can read fanfics first!" And strangely, I did. I read some fanfics that day. 

My state of being not nervous worried me. I started to think that I might take it too easy. I told another friend that I didn't feel nervous and I didn't really care if I couldn't answer the question. I told him that I didn't know whether it was good or bad sign. He said, "It may be a good sign but you not caring somehow sounds badass." I laughed at his response.

I slept well that night. Still not worried about my exam.

Just Like When I was a Kid

When I was in primary school, I often asked my mom, "Mom, if I get good grades, please buy me Detective Conan comics or Harry Potter novel." I always got good grades so my mom always bought me the comics and novels. 

I still asked my mom to buy me comics and novels when I was in middle school. I still got good grades so she didn't mind.

I was in high school and I still got good grades but my mom mainly bought me books to prepare for my final exams and university entrance. One day in a bookstore, I asked for a Detective Conan comic and she said, "No. Why would you spend such amount of money to buy a comic that you can quickly finish?" I understood that, considering how much money she spent for the other books. 

Then I become a medical student and I didn't ask my mom to buy me fiction books or comics anymore. I bought fiction books using the money I saved. Beside, I can no longer promise her for good grades. Living with less fiction books is fine, but at some points I feel wrong. I'm incomplete.

People may ask, "Why don't you just borrow books?" I answer, " I do borrow books but still, borrowing and owning are different."

I will present my thesis on Wednesday, March 16th. The child inside me showed up again a while ago. I asked my mom, "Mom, after I finish presenting my thesis, would you please buy me some comics and novels? You know, just like when I was a kid?" She said, "All right, I will let you buy comics and novels that you want." I was so happy to hear that.

By the Lake

The skirt flowed along her legs as she danced among the flowers by the lake. Grace.

A wizard shouted, told her to leave. She twirled. Then flew. Away.

And the flowers wilted.

Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy (and Some Courtesy)

When I was in middle school, Sweet Raindrop (not her real name) showed me the lyrics of "Build God then We'll Talk" by Panic! At The Disco. Here is a link to the song. I give the link to their "Live in Denver" performance instead of their official music video because: 1. the official music video contains "Porno Mime" and not everyone is comfortable to watch it, 2. Ryan Ross sang some lines in that live version and his voice was damn fine. 

The first time I read the lyrics, I said, "Whoa, it's more like a story than a song." The song tells a story of substandard motels on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street with wonderful caricature of intimacy inside. I had the habit of singing the line, "Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy" when I had to meet fake friends or attend an event that made me uncomfortable. I knew those fake friends and event participants weren't so "wonderful" as the people in the song but still, I felt the need to sing that line.

As I grew up, that habit disappeared. Perhaps because I didn't have to attend "event that made me uncomfortable" so often as before. However, now that I'm in my fangirl phase over Panic! At The Disco, that habit occurs again. The only difference is that I don't sing it aloud. 

It happened a while ago when my mother told me to be courteous so I can keep myself away from trouble. That was difficult. Not that I'm a rude person. I just act aloof when someone makes me uneasy. However, my mom told me to be courteous. What?! Why? How? Then that one line from the song was played in the back of my mind.

In "A Clash of King," it is said that Septa Mordane used to tell Sansa that a lady's armor is courtesy. Sansa took that advice and she stayed alive in King's Landing. I didn't expect my mother would give me the same advice as Septa Mordane. 

I'm not a tenant in substandard motel on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street. My situation is much safer than Sansa Stark's in "A Clash of King". I don't mind some courtesy, either. I'm just not ready to be a lady with proper armor.

First Impression: Someone Says I'm Cheerful

On Sunday, I went to a weekly English discussion forum in a library. The topic was "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover." Yes, we talk about judgement, or in this case, first impression. 

Talking about first impression is a little complicated. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it deceives you. I usually keep my first impression for myself and try to learn more about the person before making my "final judgement."

When it comes to the "cover," I think I never care much about what someone wears. How someone talks and what they talk about influence my judgement more than their appearance does.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting, the conductor made us play a little game. She gave each of us a piece of paper with a name of fellow discussion participant written on it. We had to write our first impression of that person. After that, we collected the paper in a can (so the writer remained anonymous) and were given back the paper with our own names on it. 

I got the paper and read, "She is, I think, cheerful because she always smile. Further character, I don't know :) " I was surprised reading that because I don't see myself as a cheerful person and I don't always smile. I even have the indifferent emoticon face. I guess it was because I loved being in that library so I looked happy, even cheerful there. 

Note to self: place influences impression.

I Love You for Sentimental Reasons

Reading the word "sentimental," I remember the song "(I Love You) for Sentimental Reasons" by Ivory "Deek" Watson and William "Pat" Best. I found three versions in YouTube. There are two versions by Deek Watson and The Brown Dots and another version by Nat King Cole. Nat King Cole's version was the one I knew when I heard this song for the first time.

Oxford dictionary defines sentimental as "of the emotions, rather than reason." I then realise that, many times, I fall in love without understanding the reason. I may learn why I love that person later but sometimes I just don't know. Does it mean that I love a person for sentimental reasons? Maybe. Or maybe there are reasons that my subconscious mind understands.

Now I'm in love again, for sentimental reasons, with Ryan Ross. Oh, it's not actual love, just another obsession. After Brendon Urie, now Ryan Ross. I'm not sure when this fangirl phase will end. It is said that once you enter a fandom, you will find it difficult to go out.

Hiraeth and Needle

The prompt is "longing". It reminds me of two words: hiraeth and Needle.

According to Wikipedia, hiraeth is a Welsh word with no direct English translation. Oxford and Merriam Webster define hiraeth as: (noun) "a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was". It is a mix of longing, yearning, nostalgia, wistfulness, or an earnest desire for the Wales of the past. 

 

Pamela Petro explained hiraeth in the post Dreaming in Welsh. She wrote, "In 1282, Wales became the first colony of the English empire. Because England eventually ruled half the globe, we all know its first colony by the name the colonizers gave it: Wales, which means 'Place of the Others,' or 'Place of the Romanized Foreigners'." She continued, "To Welsh speakers, Wales is Cymru (pronounced Kum-ree): home of the Cymry, or fellow countrymen."

The Welsh feel hiraeth for the Wales of the past that they cannot return to. This reminds of a paragraph from "A Feast for Crows" by George. R. R. Martin, when Arya had to give up all her belongings. It meant that she also had to give up Needle, her sword.

Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile. He used to mess my hair and call me "little sister," she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. 

The word hiraeth and that one paragraph can always give me emotion which I can't describe.

They make me smile. A sad smile.