Self to Care for

I love myself.

I often say that, even when I was a kid. When being asked the question, "Who do you love most?", my friends' answers range from their parents to their crush. I was the only one who said, "Myself."

The prompt said, "Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favorite thing about yourself."

I write a lot about my problem in this blog. This time, let me write something good about myself. 

I'm mentally strong. At some point, I even surprise myself. I'm like, "Whoa, I really can get through this? I didn't think I would be able to do that."

I love my imagination. Reading fiction since I was a kid, I find it easy to imagine a story. It even becomes one of my coping mechanisms. I constantly make up stories in my head and think about many possibilities of an event.

I love that I understand the importance of loving myself from early age. Beside, I understand the difference between loving myself and being a selfish jerk. It makes me learn to avoid being selfish jerk.

Finally, I want to thank the prompt creator for reminding me that I have not only problem but also myself to care for.

Trapped

I've never left discussion, no matter how I want to do it.

One day I had group discussion. I hadn't learned much about the topic and I couldn't pay enough attention. My legs are restless. My mind wandered to fantasy land. I opened my laptop and searched for random stuff in the internet. 

Then I felt sleepy. All I wanted was to lie my head, close my eyes, and sleep. I looked at my watch and we still had an hour left to discuss. 

Great, I felt trapped.

Death of a Bachelor

I'm addicted to the song "Death of a Bachelor" by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I'm overwhelmed!

In an interview, Brendon Urie said that the song was inspired by his wife and how he now lived different life. Unfortunately, I can't find the link to that interview video. In I other words, "Death of a Bachelor" is about change in life.

The greatest change in my life, until now, happens after I entered medical school. It was a big decision that I made myself and I, at some points, screw it up. 

If I hadn't been a medical student, I would have been a civil engineering student. That was my second choice. I guess instead of learning how to examine meningeal signs or reading physiology book, I would discuss how to build a strong yet cost-effective bridge or draw a building structure.

Medical school gives me a lot of stories. Some stories are worth to tell, some are meant to be secret. 

I experience failure multiple times in medical school. I even came to the point where I didn't want to try anymore because I felt my trying was useless. 

I procrastinate a lot in medical school. Something that should be taboo considering we have plenty of works to do, material to study, and skill to practice.

I feel frustation many times because I don't understand some subjects. That frustration can lead to feeling of guilt since I remind myself that one day someone's life will depend on my knowledge of the subjects.

I got my first depression, too. And if someday I meet a patient with depression who is reluctant to get medical treatment, I think I will understand that patient. Because I know how it feels to be scared of telling others about your depression.

I also had to deal with mental trauma after sexual assault while, at the same time I had to study some medical stuff. It went badly. The trauma won. I couldn't study well.

However, I have some nice friends in medical school.

They are friends who remind me that happiness and health matter more than good grade. Our knowledge is important but we try to pursue it while keeping our body healthy and our mind sane. We cheer each other when trouble happens. We share gossip, news, and fantasy. We also study and practice OSCE together, in our way. 

I don't know if I would experience these kinds of failure, procrastination, frustration, depression, and friendship had I been a civil engineering student. I can't even imagine how it would have been if I hadn't entered medical school. 

My "bachelor" version died the day I became a medical student. And I don't regret it. Well, maybe sometimes.

What I Know about Reincarnation

I check the daily prompt and the prompt for today is about reincarnation.

I myself don't believe in reincarnation but I find it interesting so let me talk about it.

What I know about reincarnation is, after the soul leave its body, it will return to life, but in different body. The new body doesn't always take form of human body. It can be animal. I remember reading "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner and in a chapter about Bhutan, there was a story of a Buddhist that didn't want to harm animal because that animal could be his mother in another life. 

However, that belief in reincarnation has different result for someone else. My grandma once told me that he knew a man who follow Pangestu, or Kejawen faith. The man believed in reincarnation and he said that when people ate meat, it meant that they help a soul complete its reincarnation phase. 

Human is not the only being who is believed to experience reincarnation. It is said that the god Wisnu and Shesha the nagaraja also experience reincarnation. Wisnu was reborn as Rama and Krishna. While Shesha was reborn as Laksmana and Baladewa (or Balarama).

So, what do you think and know about reincarnation? If you find something wrong in my writing, please let me know.

Am I a Death Eater?

Gerard Way has just stated that he's sorted into Slytherin and his wand wood is made of yew. Then I remember something. Voldemort was a Slytherin and his wand was yew. The difference is, Gerard Way has dragon heartstring as wand core and Voldemort has phoenix feather.

Is Gerard Way secretly a Dark Lord? No, he's a Sleep Lord.

If he were Voldemort, would that make me, his fan, a Death Eater? No, I'd rather be a Pancake Eater.

Exam is Closer

Today's daily prompt is to ask someone else to give blog prompt. I asked Elsa and she said, "The comprehensive exam that is getting closer". I regret my decision of asking her.

Considering that I haven't finished my thesis, I can just go crazy if I also think about my comprehensive exam. What is comprehensive exam? In my medical school, we take comprehensive exam after years of pre clinical phase as a condition to enter clinical phase. Before taking comprehensive exam, a student must have passed all credits needed and finished the thesis and the editing.

The first comprehensive exam in this year will be held on March, 13th. I guess even if I can't take the exam on March, I can take it another time on June, if I'm not mistaken. It would be better to take it on June since I will be more prepared.

Beside, there is something more important that I should pay attention: my sleep.

Fandom Stuff Screenshots

Which quirky habit annoys you the most, and what quirky habit do you love - in yourself, or others.

I have the habit of screenshooting fandom stuff in instagram. I don't know if this habit is quirky or not but it makes me both annoyed and happy. 

It annoys me when I realise that I have screenshot too often and I need to delete some. Deleting fandom stuffs from my phone is more difficult that it sounds. Often, there are things that I can't let go but it's actually unimportant.

This habit makes me happy when I am sad or bored. Looking at the screenshots of fandom stuff can brighten my mood.