Talking about Relationship (This Time It's My Story)

So, I want to talk about my current relationship but I don't know where to start. Duh.

Let me try...  My boyfriend and I went to the same primary school, same junior high school, and same senior high school. All those 12 years, we didn't know each other personally. Well, we knew each other's face and name and that's it.

We went to different universities in 2012. Then in 2014 we started chatting online and we always had good conversation. 

As time went by, I thought to myself, "Does he flirt with me?" and yes, he flirted and sometimes he had funny pickup lines that I couldn't help laughing. He still does that. Damn, I smile while writing this. 

However, I hadn't been interested in relationship for years so I just talked to him casually as a friend. I responded to his pickup line with another joke that often made him felt like, "Aaaaaarrrrggghh!!!" 

I told Lady Slytherin about this. I said, "Well, I guess I could like him if he can continue it long enough." She asked, "What if he's tired and he goes finding someone else?" I said, "That's okay. I'm not ready for a relationship anyway."

Recently, I found a blog post that described my feeling about him in the beginning here. That post is about potential love. It says, "Have you ever felt a potential love for someone? Like, you don't actually love them and you know you don't, but you know you could. You realise that you could easily fall in love with them...."

Back to my story, we once met for a few minutes to lend him my book. I forget when that happened. Months later, in June 2017, we agreed to meet in a book store because where else should I go for a first date (book lover mode: on)? We met another high school friend in that book store and this friend looked at us suspiciously. We greeted him and he looked like he wanted to ask question but he didn't ask. He was too shocked, probably.

We went out together five times until finally he asked me to be his girlfriend last November. I had the proclivity to avoiding commitment but I thought again, I always enjoyed my time with him and it didn't hurt to give this relationship a try. He is willing to communicate his thought and opinion. He also lets me do the same. In other words, we're good for each other so I said yes. 

We're finally in a relationship after 3 years. Our friends say that's a long time. Well, it really takes a long time for me to trust someone. It takes me longer to let myself commit to a relationship so that long time is worth spending.

How do I feel about him? He's different. Back in the past, when I had a crush or fell in love, I felt a little uncomfortable. I have come a long way in the term of loving myself. In the past, I often thought too hard on how to impress the guy I liked. With my boyfriend now, I feel all right. We have our fight, of course, but we talk through it. This is why I was once confused about how I felt because love used to make me uncomfortable.

Now if you ask me whether I love him, I will say yes, I do love him.

Train of Thought: from Irn-Bru to Orange Lipstick

Yesterday, I read a blog post by Joel Sorin entitled "Sail". That post mentioned Irn-Bru which, after I searched in the internet, is actually a Scottish soft drink. Then I remember something else: dandelion and burdock. How can people come up with good idea to name beverage? 

I first heard "dandelion and burdock" from the song "Suck It and See" by Arctic Monkeys. You can watch the official music video, or if you think that video is too sexy then you can watch Alex Turner perform the song in acoustic version, which is also sexy for some people. 

The song also has amazing lyrics. I like the lines, "That's not a skirt girl, that's a sawn-off shotgun. And I can only hope you've got it aimed at me." Usually I don't like lyrics with such "dangerous vibe" but those words are well-arranged and unexpected. I just can't hate it. 

Anyway, suck it and see means to try something you have not done before. When was the last time you tried something new? Was it a great deal that you had to pluck up courage? Or was it something simple that you did on impulse?

Asking that question, I then remember myself that I haven't done anything new recently. Well, I did try to wear matte orange lipstick last Saturday if that counts. 

I guess I'll try to do something new again this Saturday. But what?

Figurative Ship and Some Language Lesson

The prompt today is sail and considering that I don't have proper knowledge about ship and sailing, I will just write about figurative ship: household.

In Indonesian language there is term "bahtera rumah tangga". Bahtera means ship, rumah tangga means household. If you understand Indonesian language, you can read this article about the etymology of the phrase.

Usually people use the word "kapal" in Indonesian to talk about the watercraft. The word "bahtera" is rarely used in everyday conversation when you talk about water transportation. So why do we use the word "bahtera" when it comes to figurative ship called household?

The word "kapal" is derived from Tamil word "kappal". The word "bahtera" is derived from the word "bahitra" in old Javanese, which is a loanword from from Sanskirt word "vahitra". According to the article I link above, the word "bahtera" is used when talking about figurative ship because Sankirt is used as ritual language so it has more spiritual feeling.

So it is said that being a family and creating household is like being in the same ship. You have to work together so the ship can sail safely. I can't explain further about it because, like a fan whose ship isn't canon, my ship hasn't sailed yet.

Maybe I should enjoy the harbour while getting my ship ready. Then we'll sail (though I don't know yet whom this "we" refer to).

Run Away Like It was Yesterday

Some songs can put into certain mood or make you imagine things. This time I want to talk about the song Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance. 

That song cheers me up. However it does more than just cheering up. Everytime I listen to that song, I imagine my girl friend and I run while laughing after doing silly thing. We dash to avoid people shouting at us. 

Beside, that song is indeed about run away. As Gerard Way said before performing that song in Hurricane festival 2011, "There's nothing wrong with running and never looking back." I have mixed feeling about what Gerard Way said. The idea of running away sounds good but doesn't sound right to me. No matter how bad my situation is, I don't think it's so bad that I need to run away. I'm not that easy to leave something, either. I don't even leave an abandoned group chat, duh.

Then I think maybe that "Bulletproof Heart" song is not for me. That song is for people who feel trapped in bad place or bad condition. That song is for people who are stuck with bad people. It's for those who fight their own demons, or with their dark past. For those kind of people, running away is necessary. It even takes certain kind or courage for them to run away from their situation and save themselves.

Maybe someday that song will mean more than two girls running away after doing silly things. Who knows?

I'm Exhausted

Being a co-assistant in hospital is exhausting and when I'm exhausted, I lose motivation to do things. I can't even bring myself to review material. It's also difficult for me to stay awake during lecture (yes, we still have lecture in hospital). I envy my friend who can stay awake during lecture and understand the material. They even have enough energy to discuss it with the residents. Seriously, those friends have no idea how lucky they are.

I'm trying though.

Forgotten List

I often have a lot of idea in my head for my blog post but I don't write the post right away. I usually make a list of "blog post idea" so that if I have the chance to write something, I will write from that list.

The problem occurs when it has been a long time I haven't written in my blog then I start blogging again and when I look at the list, I think, "I had this idea? What am I supposed to write?" 

After that I usually write about something else that's not included in the list.

"The Most Asian" Novel: My Experience with the Kite Runner

Few weeks ago, I read the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and it was amazing.

I will not spoil much but I will tell about my experience reading it. First, reading this novel in public place was a mistake. I brought the novel during my night's watch duty in hospital and I had to hold back my tears many times. So I was happy when I could finally read it at home because I could cry ugly tears as I wanted.

Second, this novel is probably "the most Asian" novel I've ever read. The "Asian things" come in many forms: Asian pride, parent-and-child relationship, our attitude toward people of different ethnicity or religion, the gender biased norm, marriage, the taboo stuff, etc. Then I realise something: regardless of ethnicity, location, and religion, Asians are Asians. Some proud creatures we are. Well, maybe not all Asians but I live in another part of Asia and I can relate and understand those things.

This is one of my favourite quotes in the book which is also one of "the most Asian" quotes, "Because history isn't easy to overcome. Neither is religion. In the end, I was a Pashtun and he was a Hazara, I was Sunni and he was Shi'a, and nothing was going to change that. Nothing. But we were kids who had learned to crawl together, and no history, ethnicity, society, or religion was going to change that either."

I guess those "Asian things", aside from the story line, are what make me love this novel so much. Because I could relate to it. Because it makes me cry and say, "Yes, right."

Shattered Glass

We are glass
and glass is 
dangerous
when
it's shattered

Those who 
break us
should've
known this
first

P.S. Some things cause me mental breakdown recently then I got this idea while waiting for my working time.

On Sarah Urie and Kindness

In one of my recent posts, I talked about kindness as one of Hufflepuff's trait. 

I'm a Hufflepuff but I never consider myself a kind or nice person. Some experiences make me think to myself, "Maybe some people don't deserve my kindness." So, I confess, I may act nice but I often have "unkind" thought of what I could do when someone do or say unkind things to me. 

One day, I found Sarah Urie's instagram account. At first I felt something strange. I didn't know. She did nothing wrong but I felt strange. Later I knew it was because of her bio. Her bio is changed now but when I first saw her instagram, it said, "🐝 kind" Can you view the bee emoji from computer? 

What's wrong with that bio? Let me tell you, I spent times trying to conceal myself and selecting few people who deserve my kindness then this woman named Sarah said, "Be(e) kind" to my face (well, I face my cell phone so technically she said in to my face online). What?! Who does she think she is, telling people to be kind? She just doesn't understand the "bitter consequence" of being kind. Maybe she doesn't understand. Or maybe she understand that some people are horrible but she thinks it's still important to be kind anyway.

So I think I need to thank Sarah Urie for giving me perspective that it's all right to be kind. Also, I thank her for giving me idea to write some blog posts (seriously, this is important).

(Internet) Friend of Different Belief

A while ago, I saw a picture in instagram. It's a picture of Marissa Sitompul and Ria Ricis. In that picture, they pray before meal. They position their hands differently because they have different religions. On that picture, there is a text, "Sahabat, perbedaan yang membuat kita satu." It means, "Friend, difference is what makes us one." It's a nice picture with good message. They praise the same God whom they call differently (some people may say they praise different gods) while still being friends.

I'm a muslim and my close girl friends in real life are all muslims. However, I have one good internet girl friend of different religion. Wait, no. She doesn't even have religion. She's an atheist.

I've known her for about 7 years. Our friendship is built on weird and sometimes deep conversation. After seeing that instagram picture, I decided to send her a screenshot. I felt strange doing that because we don't usually send "cute thing". 

Under the screenshot, I wrote to her, "That's us? But you don't pray, I don't wear hijab, and I don't lift my hands for prayer before meal. And we're internet friends."

At first she didn't understand. After I explained about the message behind the picture, she said, "I am drinking cognac with pelmeni. And I didn't lift my hands before the meal."

I responded, "I don't either. I drink tea with banana cake."

When I was Nine, I Read Greek Myth

There are nine Muses in Greek mythology. They were written as "Musae" in Indonesian spelling. I first read about them when I was 9. I remember at that time I liked Urania, the muse of astronomy simply because she held a globe. Nine-year-old me had a thing for astronomy and such.

Before opening the wikipedia page for Greek Muses, there were only two Muses that I remembered: Urania and Kalliope. Kalliope was the chief of Muses, the main inspiration for poets and artists.

It turns out that I still have the Greek mythology book that I had read long time ago. The book contains some stories. The main focus is "Orpheus and Eurydice" story. That story affected me in weird way when I was a kid. I once believed that Hades had kingdom underground so when I knocked my girl scout bamboo cane to the ground, I thought I knocked Hades' kingdom.

I considered Orpheus and Eurydice as one of the best love stories. I may still do. One day, when I was teenager, two radio DJs talked about love story and asked if the listeners had and favourite story. I called and told them the story of Orpheus and Eurydice.

Now I'm a young adult who doesn't like romance. Should I die first, I hope my "Orpheus" continues his life in healthy way. 

I also still wait for Kalliope to come and inspire me to write beautiful poem. 

Whom Will You Listen to Music with?

A while ago, a friend of mine shared in facebook about his Spotify Game of Thrones character. It is to find out which Game of Thrones character you will listen to music with. If you're curious, you can try it here.

I tried that and my Game of Thrones match is Joffrey Baratheon. It was because my Spotify playlist was 65% emo. I laughed when I saw the result. After getting the result, I could see "The Honoured Playlist of King Joffrey Baratheon" and I found "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Great.

I actually hoped I shared music taste with the characters I admire, like Tyrion Lannister, Olenna Tyrell, or Podrick Payne. However, considering that Joffrey listened to My Chemical Romance, I don't mind listening to music with him as long as he doesn't harm me or my family. Oh well, he won't because 1) he's fictional, 2) he has joined the black parade (but not as the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned).

Now let's play the G note.

My First Ship

In fandom, there is the term "ship". This is where you want characters to have relationship. It doesn't only happen in fiction fandom but also in music fandom. It happens in most fandoms, I guess (I say most because maybe there is a fandom that doesn't have ship).

I don't like shipping. I once wrote in my post "Confession of a Fanfic Reader" that I prefer friendship. 

However, one day, out of nowhere, I got a shipping idea. I didn't even simply ship two fictional characters or such. I shipped an internet friend of mine with someone in one of my fandoms. For a few weeks, I searched in the internet for the right wedding dress and veil for the bride. I browsed wedding flowers and what kind of party they would have. I even came to the point where I imagined their wedding vow.

That imagination doesn't come to my mind anymore. Maybe the wind blows the ship to somewhere faraway. A good place, I hope.

Still, I prefer friendship to romance.

Don't Need to Fear a Hand for Help

A while ago, I discovered a song "Where I Belong" by Ryan Ross. You can listen to it in soundcloud. I also find fan-made lyrics video in YouTube (turn on the subtitle).

If you read the YouTube comments, you will see that many of them talk about the line, "I know I should've never left." They think that perhaps he regrets leaving Panic! At The Disco and they get "feels" from that line. I admit, at first I also got "feels" from it.

However, as I listen to the song over, I got hit by the lines "Don't need to fear a hand for help." Damn it, Ryan Ross.

That one line reminds me of myself. Many times I find myself in big problem and I don't ask for help. I usually think, "It's not a big deal. I'm fine. I can solve it." When I finally can't solve it, and the problem reaches crisis, that's when I ask for help. Often I get asked, "Why didn't you just tell me earlier?" Difficult question. I can't answer that. I really don't have valid reason about why I don't ask for help earlier. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally reserved, or I'm secretly afraid of something wrong that might happen if I ask for help. Maybe I just can't trust people easily. 

Well, I guess I need to gather courage to ask for help with some unsolved problems because, as Ryan Ross said, "This war ain't gonna fix itself." 

Sanctuary in Warm Hug

Today's prompt is sanctuary. Reading that word, my mind wasn't directed to certain place but to warm hug. From that, I started to think that I read fanfic too often.

I don't remember if I ever give warm hug. I usually just give casual hug or side hug. However, I like hug scene in fiction, be it friendly hug, brotherly hug, or romantic hug. It just seems warm and comfortable. Often, the character feels safe and protected while being hugged. That's why I associate the word sanctuary with warm hug; because of fiction, or fanfic.

It is said that hug can increase oxytocin release. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), as neurotransmitter, oxytocin is involved in sexual and affectionate behaviour. It promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

What about reading hug scene? Do I experience oxytocin release while reading hug scene? If Does it mean that I'm affected in the matter of nurturing, couple bonding, and trust? It that's true, it may explain our emotional bonding to fictional character.

On a side note, since oxytocin promotes trust, do not hug someone you don't want to trust. Do not even imagine hugging a fictional character you don't want to trust. Really, we can't be sure about oxytocin and its magic.

P.S.

Oxytocin acts as both hormone and neurotransmitter. As hormone, oxytocin is involved in uterine contraction (during labor) and milk ejection.

If you can explain more about oxytocin or if you think I make mistake in this post (or in any post), please let me know.

Slow Romantic Activity

Today's prompt is "slowly". I instantly think about romantic stuffs like slow dance and slow kiss. 

I'm not a fan of romance but still, I think those slow romantic activities sounds sweet, lovely, beautiful, etc. Although in some situation they make me cringe (sorry).

However, I don't think I will be able to do any romantic thing slowly because I'm awkward and sometimes overly excited. It means that if I have romantic feeling on someone, I would either do nothing (to avoid awkwardness) or do something silly (because I can't contain my excitement). That something silly includes me talking fast and trying hard not to grin too wide. 

My behaviour makes me wonder about some things. How can people dance slowly with their loved ones? You're couple and you don't hug and jump through the music? Even if the song is slow, you may want to jump a little? How can the bride in Western wedding walk down the aisle? It's your wedding day, you're getting married, you don't want to run or jump? How can you kiss slo... Oh wait, I don't even want to know about that now. 

Please be kind to answer my questions. This is for research (not really, I'm just curious).

My Exam Hangover

I've had my comprehensive exams. I had comprehensive OSCE on Thursday, June 16th and comprehensive CBT on Tuesday, June 21st. Now I'm waiting for the result.

After exam I feel this condition I call exam hangover. I was curious to find out whether other people ever call it exam hangover so I google it. I found two proper results.

One result is from Urban Dictionary. According to Urban Dictionary, exam hangover is that period between the end post-secondary exams and the next day you can think. I also found an article, "A Remedy for Your University Exam Hangover".

I haven't done much during this exam hangover. I definitely don't study medical stuff (sorry). I borrow a novel from local library but I haven't even started reading it. I haven't written a letter for my German penpal (please wait patiently, dear). I want to buy flowers and arrange them but I'm currently saving my money for something else. 

In that article I share the link above, the writer experience 4 week exam hangover. I hope mine is shorter. Now I'm going to open the novel I borrow.

Boggart and Sexual Assault

In Harry Potter series, boggart is an amortal shape shifting non-being that takes on the form of viewer's worst fear.

Hermione's boggart on her third year was Professor McGonagall telling her that she failed all exams. Molly Weasley's boggart was the dead bodies of her family.

When I was at school, I thought my boggart would be like Hermione's since I was quite an overachiever. After I entered medical school, I found out that failure in exam was not that scary so I guessed my boggart would be the dead bodies of my family or friends.

Then I was sexually assaulted and I understood what fear was like. It was worse than failure in exam, even worse than losing a loved one. I'm fine with bad grade in university. I can deal with losing a family member or friend quite well. However, sexual assault is different.

There are countless times I regret the assault. It's irrational, though. I'm the victim but why would I regret? I just can't help it. I think about "what if" and "I should have" even when I'm fully aware that it was not my fault and I can't turn back time.

In Harry Potter series, we say "Riddikulus" to combat a boggart. While saying the charm, we need to concentrate on something funny that the boggart will change shape into.

Sadly, everytime I think about those who assaulted me, or any kind of sexual assault, I think about the scene in Game of Thrones where Arya killed Meryn Trant, the cruel knight who was also a pedophile. In that scene, Arya stabbed Meryn Trant several times in his eyes and chest then finally slitted his throat. I sometimes imagine myself doing that to those who assault me but imagination is imagination. I can't do that. I don't do such thing.

I haven't got any idea of something funny to change my boggart into because there is nothing funny about sexual assault.

Talking about Fandom: Is It Just a Phase?

Oxford dictionary has some definition of phase. The first definition is "a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development". That definition has more sub-definition (I don't know what to call it): 1.1. a stage in a person's psychological development, especially a period of temporary difficulty during adolescence or particular stage during childhood; 1.2. a stage in the life cycle or annual cycle of an animal.

When I was a kid, I read and watched Detective Conan a lot. My dad told me, "You won't like Detective Conan anymore when you grow up." I responded, "I will like Conan until I'm old."

It turned out that my dad was right, partly. As I grew up, I became less obsessed with Conan but then a day came when my cousin let me read some Conan comics that she borrowed from her friend. I was obsessed with Conan again, for days, or weeks. I even considered naming my motorcycle Conan although I then put the idea at the back of my mind.

So my dad thought that my obsessive-fangirl-state is just a once-in-a-lifetime phase but it didn't turn that way. My obsession is a part of a bigger cycle which I call a fan cycle. It happens this way: I discover something good -> I become curious -> I try to know more about it -> I like it more -> I'm obsessed for a period of time -> dormant period -> I discover another something good -> repeat cycle. That's what happens to me. 

Fan cycle can vary to different people. Some people may stay in obessive phase forever. Some people exeperience multiple cycles at once, which means that they are into multiple fandoms with almost same amount of love and attention (or obsession). Some people don't go further than the discovering phase.

One cycle of specific fan cycle can stop happening then occur again after a long time. It happens to me with Detective Conan, as I mention above. I also experienced my My-Chemical-Romance-fan-cycle again after years of not really thinking about them.

Why and how a long forgotten fan cycle can occur again in our head? That's a topic for another post.

Opening Up about My Mental Condition

On the last few days I experienced burnout and worse, it happened when I had to finalise my thesis editing and write scientific article. Worse, the registration for graduation ceremony in June has been opened. Worse, my mom was anxious and she told me to hurry up and finish everything so I could graduate in June.

I don't really like it when someone tells me to hurry up, especially when I get a bad case of burnout.

That time, I decided to tell my mom, "I can't think and work quickly like I did when I was at school. Now it's easy for me to get mentally exhausted and when it happens, I can't do anything. I just can't."

It was relieving to say that. Seriously. Finally I told someone of my family about my mental condition and I felt great. It doesn't mean that I got better right after I told my mom. And my mom may not take me to psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm just happy from the fact that I finally opened up about my mental condition. 

After I said that, my mom answered, "Well, let's just hope that you can finish it well." I think she understands.

I told my friend about it and he said, "I guess all you need is emotional support?" That response hit me because I never really cared about emotional support. Maybe because, in my opinion, being in this condition for a long time, I'm used to feeling it alone. Burnout after burnout, sometimes even depression, and I don't tell my family about how I feel. I often think to myself that I can deal with it alone because that's how it works for me: burnout or depression comes, I suffer, and it ends then I live normally, after that it comes again, I suffer again then it ends, and the cycle repeats many times.

That day I learned that telling someone about my mental condition doesn't heal me right but it does make me feel better, even just a bit.