Denial of a Harry Potter Fan

Let's talk about denial. It's one example of primitive defense mechanisms. It means refusal to accept reality or fact. 

As a Harry Potter fan, I deny the fact that Cursed Child exists. Okay, the story has been released quite a while ago and I'm a bit late to write it in my blog. However, it's my blog so I can write whatever I want here. 

I myself haven't read the book or watched the play but the internet is dark and full of spoiler (mimicking Melisandre) so I read the spoiler and curse the plot because it doesn't make sense. To be honest, it feels like fanfiction to me. 

I don't want to spoil a lot here but let me mention things that bother me. First of all, Voldemort. Never have I ever thought that Voldemort was capable of doing that.

Second: Cedric. He was a kind person and what he does in Cursed Child is out of character. A kind Hufflepuff won't do that. 

Third is Harry Potter. Really, what he said to Albus is unacceptable. Oh well, parents make mistake but again, that's out of character, especially when this character is Harry Potter.

Enough of my ramble. I'm out. See you in my next post.

Sanctuary in Warm Hug

Today's prompt is sanctuary. Reading that word, my mind wasn't directed to certain place but to warm hug. From that, I started to think that I read fanfic too often.

I don't remember if I ever give warm hug. I usually just give casual hug or side hug. However, I like hug scene in fiction, be it friendly hug, brotherly hug, or romantic hug. It just seems warm and comfortable. Often, the character feels safe and protected while being hugged. That's why I associate the word sanctuary with warm hug; because of fiction, or fanfic.

It is said that hug can increase oxytocin release. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), as neurotransmitter, oxytocin is involved in sexual and affectionate behaviour. It promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

What about reading hug scene? Do I experience oxytocin release while reading hug scene? If Does it mean that I'm affected in the matter of nurturing, couple bonding, and trust? It that's true, it may explain our emotional bonding to fictional character.

On a side note, since oxytocin promotes trust, do not hug someone you don't want to trust. Do not even imagine hugging a fictional character you don't want to trust. Really, we can't be sure about oxytocin and its magic.

P.S.

Oxytocin acts as both hormone and neurotransmitter. As hormone, oxytocin is involved in uterine contraction (during labor) and milk ejection.

If you can explain more about oxytocin or if you think I make mistake in this post (or in any post), please let me know.

Talking about Fandom: the Feels

In fandom there is the term "feeling" which is shortened to "feels". It is that moment when you feel overwhelmed by something. You may call it sadness but it's different kind of sadness. It's just difficult to describe so we simply call it "feels".

If you want to see some examples, I once wrote a post entitled "Jleb" Harry Potter Moments. Yeah, it's quite similar to "jleb" in Indonesian.

However, no matter how overwhelming it is, we often intentionally hit ourselves with "feels". Here are two examples. Harry Potter fans know that Fred Weasley's death was sad but they still search in the internet for meme or fanfic or anything related to it, only to get struck with "feels" afterward. My Chemical Romance fans can get "feels" only by listening to any of their song but still, they listen to the songs, watch the videos on YouTube, watch past interviews, or read old articles. 

Why do we do that? Is it like when we fall in love? I mean, when we fall in love, we experience increase of dopamine and oxytocin. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), dopamine is "feel good" neurotransmitter; the ecstasy of romantic love may be just a brain bath of glutamate and norepinephrine, which act on the reward system to release dopamine. Oxytocin, on the other hand, promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

Questions:

1. Is our feeling in fandom similar to those of people who fall in love? Or is it just obsession?

2. If it's because of dopamine, why do we feel this strange emotion? Dopamine is supposed to make us feel good, right? Why do I feel miserable instead?

3. How long does it normally last?

Well, I guess for those who are not in fandom, it may sound like we punish ourselves. However, for people involved in fandom, it's just a normal activity. We sometimes even think, "I'm in the good mood for sad fanfic. Let me search and read. Don't disturb me while I'm suffering with this mess called 'feels'!"

Also, if you're interested in learning neurology, psychiatry, and fandom psychology, I have those three questions above. You may use it for research idea or something. 

Talking about Fandom: That Moment When You Can't Function

The prompt today is clarity. Why is the prompt "clarity" when I can't think clearly now? 

My feeling is wrecked by an abandoned fanfic. Plus, the author abandoned it in an emotional part where the problem hadn't been solved and now I'm flooded with affection toward the main character. How I want to hug him and tell him everything is all right and he is enough. It may sound silly but that's what I feel now.

Have you ever felt that kind of emotion for someone you don't even know in person? Fiction readers deal with that many times. Anyone involved in fandom deals with that.

However, not many people understand that feeling so that may be the reason why there is fandom community in internet. You can find it in the form of blog, discussion forum, pinterest board, instagram account, YouTube videos, or anything. It's like a support group where fans share stories and understand each other.

Such community can either push you further into the depth of emotional valley or help you get up and face the real world. I experience both.

After a while, things will be better and I hope we can function again. We, fandom "residents" can always face both real and fictional world. We are strong enough.

Confession of a Fanfic Reader

If you read the comment section of my Wordpress posts "Two, One, or Four" and "His Name is Brendon Urie, Dad (This Post is not a Fanfiction)", you will see that Dika teased me about fanfiction. Duh.

It's not a secret that I read fanfiction. However, I always see fanfiction as my guilty pleasure so I keep secret about what fanfics that I read and like. 

Reading fanfic makes me feel both guilty and creepy. I feel guilty because it feels like I betray my favourite authors, considering that some authors don't like fanfiction. I feel creepy when I read fanfic which characters are real people.

Also, reading fanfiction is supposed to be done alone, in my opinion. Because, you never know when someone like Dika approaches you and feel disturbed from glancing at the fanfic that you're reading. Well, I admit that I once got bored then I read fanfic in public place. It was a safe fanfic but still, I somehow felt dirty. Oh, please help me!

I remember the first fanfic that I read was a My Chemical Romance fanfic. I was 14 at that time and I didn't know fanfiction existed. I just searched for neutral article then there was a fanfic and I was curious so I opened it. Thankfully, that wasn't a disturbing fanfic so I didn't need to feel bad like Mikey Way did. He talked about fanfiction in two interviews with 2day fm and Dose.ca. Check those out if you want to know.

I was 16 or 17 when I read a disturbing fanfic for the first time. I was like, "Oh, this is nice," then suddenly, "What the heck?!" I don't even want to tell what fanfic it was about.

My struggle as a fanfic reader is to find fanfiction about friendship. I don't know why but I see so many ships while all I want to see is friendship. 

Finally, not all fanfictions are bad. I found two beautiful fanfics that made me cry. I was even tempted to share my favourite ones here, but as I have said before, they're secrets. And finding good fanfiction can be such a journey. So, enjoy your journey ;)

P.S. Check out Dika's blog in dathandika.wordpress.com. You will find a bunch of good posts, or rants (according to him). Oh, I forget to tell the obvious, you won't find a rant about fanfiction like this in his blog.