Run Away Like It was Yesterday

Some songs can put into certain mood or make you imagine things. This time I want to talk about the song Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance. 

That song cheers me up. However it does more than just cheering up. Everytime I listen to that song, I imagine my girl friend and I run while laughing after doing silly thing. We dash to avoid people shouting at us. 

Beside, that song is indeed about run away. As Gerard Way said before performing that song in Hurricane festival 2011, "There's nothing wrong with running and never looking back." I have mixed feeling about what Gerard Way said. The idea of running away sounds good but doesn't sound right to me. No matter how bad my situation is, I don't think it's so bad that I need to run away. I'm not that easy to leave something, either. I don't even leave an abandoned group chat, duh.

Then I think maybe that "Bulletproof Heart" song is not for me. That song is for people who feel trapped in bad place or bad condition. That song is for people who are stuck with bad people. It's for those who fight their own demons, or with their dark past. For those kind of people, running away is necessary. It even takes certain kind or courage for them to run away from their situation and save themselves.

Maybe someday that song will mean more than two girls running away after doing silly things. Who knows?

Whom Will You Listen to Music with?

A while ago, a friend of mine shared in facebook about his Spotify Game of Thrones character. It is to find out which Game of Thrones character you will listen to music with. If you're curious, you can try it here.

I tried that and my Game of Thrones match is Joffrey Baratheon. It was because my Spotify playlist was 65% emo. I laughed when I saw the result. After getting the result, I could see "The Honoured Playlist of King Joffrey Baratheon" and I found "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Great.

I actually hoped I shared music taste with the characters I admire, like Tyrion Lannister, Olenna Tyrell, or Podrick Payne. However, considering that Joffrey listened to My Chemical Romance, I don't mind listening to music with him as long as he doesn't harm me or my family. Oh well, he won't because 1) he's fictional, 2) he has joined the black parade (but not as the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned).

Now let's play the G note.

Talking about Fandom: the Feels

In fandom there is the term "feeling" which is shortened to "feels". It is that moment when you feel overwhelmed by something. You may call it sadness but it's different kind of sadness. It's just difficult to describe so we simply call it "feels".

If you want to see some examples, I once wrote a post entitled "Jleb" Harry Potter Moments. Yeah, it's quite similar to "jleb" in Indonesian.

However, no matter how overwhelming it is, we often intentionally hit ourselves with "feels". Here are two examples. Harry Potter fans know that Fred Weasley's death was sad but they still search in the internet for meme or fanfic or anything related to it, only to get struck with "feels" afterward. My Chemical Romance fans can get "feels" only by listening to any of their song but still, they listen to the songs, watch the videos on YouTube, watch past interviews, or read old articles. 

Why do we do that? Is it like when we fall in love? I mean, when we fall in love, we experience increase of dopamine and oxytocin. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), dopamine is "feel good" neurotransmitter; the ecstasy of romantic love may be just a brain bath of glutamate and norepinephrine, which act on the reward system to release dopamine. Oxytocin, on the other hand, promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

Questions:

1. Is our feeling in fandom similar to those of people who fall in love? Or is it just obsession?

2. If it's because of dopamine, why do we feel this strange emotion? Dopamine is supposed to make us feel good, right? Why do I feel miserable instead?

3. How long does it normally last?

Well, I guess for those who are not in fandom, it may sound like we punish ourselves. However, for people involved in fandom, it's just a normal activity. We sometimes even think, "I'm in the good mood for sad fanfic. Let me search and read. Don't disturb me while I'm suffering with this mess called 'feels'!"

Also, if you're interested in learning neurology, psychiatry, and fandom psychology, I have those three questions above. You may use it for research idea or something. 

Green Things in My Fandoms

The prompt is "green" so I'm just going to brainstrom some green things in fandom.

Green is the colour of Slytherin. It's the house of those cunning folks who use any means to achieve their ends.

Harry Potter has green eyes. It is said that Harry has his mother's eyes. Rowling said if they were casting Lily, there needed to be a resemblance (in the eyes) but they don't absolutely have to be green.

The killing curse Avada Kedavra produces green light. On a side note, when writing this, I suddenly want to do flame test experiment and create green flame. I will ask my mother later. She's a chemistry teacher by the way.

House Tyrell has golden rose on green field as their sigil. They rule the Reach, the most fertile region and thus, the greenest part of Westeros.

There is a song by Panic! At The Disco called That Green Gentleman. I like the lyrics, "Things have changed for me and that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way." What I don't understand is the title. Why is the gentleman green? Why is the song given that title? Who wrote the lyrics and who gave the title? What did he think when he pick the title? Then I realise that the only sensible answer is, "Because it's a song by Panic! At The Disco."

I realise that I can't find any green thing related to My Chemical Romance. Well, Gerard Way hasn't dyed his hair green, has he?

The Day after My Thesis Exam

On Thursday, March 17, I had thesis exam again with my other two examiners. It went fine. 

After the exam, I accompanied Miss Perfume to wait for her scientific journal editor, her counsellor. We then had a nice conversation with our senior student.

That afternoon, Miss Perfume, Elsa, and I went to karaoke. Miss Perfume chose some Indian songs and when she sang, Elsa and I commented on the videos (the videos are from movie scenes). She also chose "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys and three of us had this "lovely boyband moment" (is that even real?).

Elsa sang some anime soundtracks and Japanese songs which Miss Perfume and I didn't know so we just watched her "perform." She really looked like she was performing on stage while singing in karaoke. Whoa, that girl. 

My choice of songs include "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic! At The Disco, "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance, "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" by Fall Out Boy, "Love is on the Radio" by McFly, and "Di Sayidan" by Shaggy Dog. 

I found out that "Nine in the Afternoon" sounded hollow without Brendon Urie's voice. Hahaha... I just couldn't replace his voice (of course!). The song was happy and it was one of the few songs I dared to play before my thesis exam.

"Famous Last Words" was great. I felt relieved to sing, shout, and scream during that song. It was like my mental "burden" during the process of thesis making was lifted when I sang it. The song allowed me to feel angry, frustrated, and sad, but powerful at the same time. Strange, isn't it? Plus, I had microphone to sing, so the effect was better.

"My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" was another memory. There was a time during the process of thesis writing when I had this big problem (I can’t talk about it, sorry) and I listened to this song over and over again to make myself feel better. It turned out that some parts of that song were a bit too fast for me to sing. I will practice!

To reduce "tension", I sang "Love is on the Radio" by McFly. Elsa and Miss Perfume laughed at the line, "We'll have a son and we'll give him a sister." That line was cute but strange when I sang it, hahaha...

I didn't know why I chose "Di Sayidan". The last time I had listened to it was in high school. I just thought that song was catchy and would be nice to sing and listen to with my friends.

Later that night, I was happy and content. I still had to change some part of my thesis and scientific article, though. 

At this point, I've just realised that my three posts about thesis exam are more like song related posts. Maybe later I will write more scientific posts.

The Day Before Thesis Exam

On Wednesday, March 16th, I had thesis examination. It means that I presented my thesis in front of my counsellors and examiners. 

I stated in this blog that I didn't really like public speaking. However, the day before my exam, I felt okay. In fact, I was excited to present my thesis, which was a surprising fact considering that 1) I would talk in front of people, 2) I would be asked questions about my thesis, 3) I would present my thesis in a meeting room in the hospital, a place that never made me comfortable.

That day, I made power point presentation and read my thesis again. Yes, I know it was late. I procrastinated too much. 

Also, my dad caught me watching Brendon Urie video again. He said, "Prepare for your presentation. Stop playing around!" Why does my dad always catch me watching Brendon Urie?

Talking about Brendon Urie, I was careful to choose what songs I listened to that day. I didn't listen to "Build God, then We'll Talk" no matter how tempting it was. I didn't listen to "Northern Downpour" either because I could get strange feeling from it. I even held myself from listening to My Chemical Romance because their songs might evoke various emotion and hit me right in the "feel". 

So I decided to listen to Nine in the Afternoon, Ready to Go, and Always. All by Panic! At the Disco. Duh.

I also had a chat with Dika and he said, "Good luck. You can read fanfics first!" And strangely, I did. I read some fanfics that day. 

My state of being not nervous worried me. I started to think that I might take it too easy. I told another friend that I didn't feel nervous and I didn't really care if I couldn't answer the question. I told him that I didn't know whether it was good or bad sign. He said, "It may be a good sign but you not caring somehow sounds badass." I laughed at his response.

I slept well that night. Still not worried about my exam.

Confession of a Fanfic Reader

If you read the comment section of my Wordpress posts "Two, One, or Four" and "His Name is Brendon Urie, Dad (This Post is not a Fanfiction)", you will see that Dika teased me about fanfiction. Duh.

It's not a secret that I read fanfiction. However, I always see fanfiction as my guilty pleasure so I keep secret about what fanfics that I read and like. 

Reading fanfic makes me feel both guilty and creepy. I feel guilty because it feels like I betray my favourite authors, considering that some authors don't like fanfiction. I feel creepy when I read fanfic which characters are real people.

Also, reading fanfiction is supposed to be done alone, in my opinion. Because, you never know when someone like Dika approaches you and feel disturbed from glancing at the fanfic that you're reading. Well, I admit that I once got bored then I read fanfic in public place. It was a safe fanfic but still, I somehow felt dirty. Oh, please help me!

I remember the first fanfic that I read was a My Chemical Romance fanfic. I was 14 at that time and I didn't know fanfiction existed. I just searched for neutral article then there was a fanfic and I was curious so I opened it. Thankfully, that wasn't a disturbing fanfic so I didn't need to feel bad like Mikey Way did. He talked about fanfiction in two interviews with 2day fm and Dose.ca. Check those out if you want to know.

I was 16 or 17 when I read a disturbing fanfic for the first time. I was like, "Oh, this is nice," then suddenly, "What the heck?!" I don't even want to tell what fanfic it was about.

My struggle as a fanfic reader is to find fanfiction about friendship. I don't know why but I see so many ships while all I want to see is friendship. 

Finally, not all fanfictions are bad. I found two beautiful fanfics that made me cry. I was even tempted to share my favourite ones here, but as I have said before, they're secrets. And finding good fanfiction can be such a journey. So, enjoy your journey ;)

P.S. Check out Dika's blog in dathandika.wordpress.com. You will find a bunch of good posts, or rants (according to him). Oh, I forget to tell the obvious, you won't find a rant about fanfiction like this in his blog.

Not a Proper Critique

Today's daily prompt says, "Write about the subject you usually blog about as if you were a music critic."

I have problem with that prompt since I don't have specific subject I usually blog about. I don't read a lot of music critique and I don't "understand" music either. Let me try anyway.

In my opinion, good music should not only make the listeners admire it but also affect their feeling. Good music should make connection with the listeners. That opinion can also explain why I listen My Chemical Romance more often than I do Deep Purple (sorry, mom). Objectively, I can say that Deep Purple is amazing, both in music and lyrics; better than My Chemical Romance. However, I feel more connected to My Chemical Romance. My mother, on the other hand, likes Deep Purple because she grew up listening to classic rock and I understand that she feels more related to Deep Purple. She even listened to Deep Purple during pregnancy. Fetus me listened to Deep Purple!!  

That can also be applied to any art work: dance, painting, anything. I enjoy watching Marianela Núñez dancing as Kitri because she makes me feel the free spirit, and Polina Semionova as Odile because I can feel her seduction.

As for this blog, actually I intended to focus on medical school but as time goes by, it becomes a documentary of my thought process, my problem and how I cope with it. I still remember my first post in this blog. It was about envy. I wrote that because at that time, I compared myself to people and I envied them because I thought I achieved less than them. 

There are still so many things to improve in this blog: content, the writing in general, vocabulary, and tone. However, I can't make a proper critique for the subject of my blog since I write about various things. Also, I can always feel connected with this blog (of course!) so this blog is always good for me.

Just Look at All That Pain

Recently, I go back to my teenaged-MCR-fangirl mode. I binge watch their videos on YouTube: music videos, the making of the music videos, live performance, and interviews. I feel various emotion hit me, in a good way.

I didn't even know how it started. Oh, maybe I know. Let me remember.

I have been feeling down and when I feel down, I usually project my feeling to a kind of escape. About few weeks ago, I watched Dan and Phil a lot then I remembered Muse. I watched Muse then I remembered my teenaged self. After that I watched My Chemical Romance. Until now.

I started by remembering my two friends who were also drummers years ago. When talking about "Welcome to the Black Parade", one said that the drum playing was crazy, the other one said, "It's played by two drummers. It's impossible for one drummer to play it." Despite listening to music a lot, my ears are never sensitive. Few days ago, I found the drum cover of Welcome to the Black Parade by COOP3RDRUMM3R and the drummer in that video "doubled himself" so yes, the song needs more than one drummer. 

I listened to many of their songs then I remembered the song "Disenchanted". When I think of My Chemical Romance, "Disenchanted" doesn't usually come to my mind but this time it does. After I listened to it again, I felt something strange. I felt sad, longing for something that I have lost, but at the same time, I accepted the losing.

Then I listened to their post-breakup songs. I like Gerard Way's "Brother", Frank Iero's "B.F.F.", and Ray Toro's "Isn't That Something". Listening to "Brother" after "Disenchanted" may not be a good idea because that "strange feeling" was doubled. Frank Iero's "B.F.F." is cute because he performs it with his twin daughters. "Isn't That Something" by Ray Toro is simply amazing. 

I watched the making of Helena video and I was like, "How can I just realise that Frank Iero was adorable?" In that video making process, Ray was like a dad keeping Frank from doing silly thing.

There was also this one interview with Frank Iero and Ray Toro that warmed my heart. A fan asked, "How does it feel when someone tells you that your band saved their life?" Frank said, "I'm happy that we inspired them but they need to give themselves more credit." And Ray added, "We might give them a little push with the song but it's definitely them finding the strength within themselves." 

I guess it's great to know how a band can inspire their fans even after the breakup. They also made their own eulogy, a song entitled "Fake Your Death". The song is honest and quite "raw", with video that contains so many "feels". Just look at all that pain.

"My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die," Gerard Way said in his "letter", which he closed with, "Because it is not a band- it is an idea." Yes, it is an idea that has inspired my teenaged self. I guess it was an idea that she wanted to keep and I'm thankful for that. Hi my teenaged self, I'm not okay but I am not afraid to keep on living. 

P.S. I've just found out that today's daily prompt is about song. What a coincidence!

Three Songs and Some Stories

Today's prompt in Writing 101 is, "Write about the three most important songs in your life - what do they mean to you?"
I listen to many songs but I don't actually have important songs in my life. However, I'll still make a list of three songs.
3. Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance 
When I read the lyrics for the first time, there were some words I didn't know the meaning. I guess I should thank My Chemical Romance for expanding my vocabulary. 
2. Child in Time - Deep Purple
My mother bought Deep Purple cassette several times and she was always disappointed if the Child in Time song in the cassette is just the 4 minute version. She said, "Why is this song cut? You should listen to the long version. It's very good." Then one day we bought a CD and we cheered after finding out that it had the long version of Child in Time.
1. Asmaradana
I haven't found a version of Asmaradana that I like in YouTube. In wikipedia, there are two versions of Asmaradana lyrics. The one was often sung by my late grandmother.

Aja turu sore kaki                              (Don't sleep early, [kaki])
Ana dewa nganglang jagad            (There is god wandering around the universe)
Nyangking bokor kencanane          (carrying a golden [box])
Isine donga tetulak                            (It contains [prayer against the bad])
Sandhang kelawan pangan             (Clothes and food)
Yaiku bageyanipun                            (That are meant for)
wong melek sabar narima               (people who are awake and patient to accept)

The words I put in [....] are the words I'm not sure about the translation. I understand the meaning but I just don't know the proper English translation. "Kaki" in this song is not "kaki" in Indonesian which means foot. Kaki here is for addressing someone but I forget who that someone is.
By the way in wikipedia, the last line is, "wong welek sabar narima" but my grandma sang it as, "wong melek sabar narima."
Since I'm not so philosophical right now, I will write about the message behind this song in the future.