This Ride is a Wild One

I like the song "Missing You" by All Time Low. It's about mental health. The lyrics address some issues relating to it.

The first words are, "I heard that you've been self-medicating in the quiet of your room, your sweet suburban tomb." This is the first time I find a song that talks about self medication. Attention everyone, this is important: psychotherapy is not a joke. The medicine for patients with psychiatry condition is not like paracetamol that you can just buy without prescription and you'll be okay. If you want psychiatric medication, see a psychiatrist.

I like the lines, 

"You've come this far,

you're all cleaned up,

you made a mess again,

there's no more trying,

time to sort yourself out..."

Those lines talk about recovery and relapse. For those who experience this, I believe you can go through this, even when it seems impossible.

I'm also impressed with the line, "Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one." That line describes the journey with mental health: it's not always easy, it's wild, but as always, we can pass it.

And come the lines with strange power,

"Grit your teeth, and pull your hair,

paint the walls black, and scream, 'Fuck the world,

'cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back,'

and never for a second blame yourself."

I really like the part, ".... it's my life, I'm gonna take it back," because damn, it reminds me that no matter the circumstance, I have the power to take my life back and have control over it.

There are still some parts of the lyrics that I haven't mentioned in this post. Another post, maybe? 

I guess someday if I have to explain about mental health, I would also recommend this song because why not, this song is well written and it talks about important issue.

Talking about Fandom: the Feels

In fandom there is the term "feeling" which is shortened to "feels". It is that moment when you feel overwhelmed by something. You may call it sadness but it's different kind of sadness. It's just difficult to describe so we simply call it "feels".

If you want to see some examples, I once wrote a post entitled "Jleb" Harry Potter Moments. Yeah, it's quite similar to "jleb" in Indonesian.

However, no matter how overwhelming it is, we often intentionally hit ourselves with "feels". Here are two examples. Harry Potter fans know that Fred Weasley's death was sad but they still search in the internet for meme or fanfic or anything related to it, only to get struck with "feels" afterward. My Chemical Romance fans can get "feels" only by listening to any of their song but still, they listen to the songs, watch the videos on YouTube, watch past interviews, or read old articles. 

Why do we do that? Is it like when we fall in love? I mean, when we fall in love, we experience increase of dopamine and oxytocin. According to Marieb and Hoehn (2013), dopamine is "feel good" neurotransmitter; the ecstasy of romantic love may be just a brain bath of glutamate and norepinephrine, which act on the reward system to release dopamine. Oxytocin, on the other hand, promotes nurturing, couple bonding, and trust.

Questions:

1. Is our feeling in fandom similar to those of people who fall in love? Or is it just obsession?

2. If it's because of dopamine, why do we feel this strange emotion? Dopamine is supposed to make us feel good, right? Why do I feel miserable instead?

3. How long does it normally last?

Well, I guess for those who are not in fandom, it may sound like we punish ourselves. However, for people involved in fandom, it's just a normal activity. We sometimes even think, "I'm in the good mood for sad fanfic. Let me search and read. Don't disturb me while I'm suffering with this mess called 'feels'!"

Also, if you're interested in learning neurology, psychiatry, and fandom psychology, I have those three questions above. You may use it for research idea or something. 

Opening Up about My Mental Condition

On the last few days I experienced burnout and worse, it happened when I had to finalise my thesis editing and write scientific article. Worse, the registration for graduation ceremony in June has been opened. Worse, my mom was anxious and she told me to hurry up and finish everything so I could graduate in June.

I don't really like it when someone tells me to hurry up, especially when I get a bad case of burnout.

That time, I decided to tell my mom, "I can't think and work quickly like I did when I was at school. Now it's easy for me to get mentally exhausted and when it happens, I can't do anything. I just can't."

It was relieving to say that. Seriously. Finally I told someone of my family about my mental condition and I felt great. It doesn't mean that I got better right after I told my mom. And my mom may not take me to psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm just happy from the fact that I finally opened up about my mental condition. 

After I said that, my mom answered, "Well, let's just hope that you can finish it well." I think she understands.

I told my friend about it and he said, "I guess all you need is emotional support?" That response hit me because I never really cared about emotional support. Maybe because, in my opinion, being in this condition for a long time, I'm used to feeling it alone. Burnout after burnout, sometimes even depression, and I don't tell my family about how I feel. I often think to myself that I can deal with it alone because that's how it works for me: burnout or depression comes, I suffer, and it ends then I live normally, after that it comes again, I suffer again then it ends, and the cycle repeats many times.

That day I learned that telling someone about my mental condition doesn't heal me right but it does make me feel better, even just a bit.

I Feel Done

I've ever mentioned in this blog that I was interested in psychiatry. I still am. However, after writing thesis with psychiatry topic, I feel done.

I once considered being a psychiatrist but after months of writing psychiatry-related thesis, I changed my mind. I have come to realisation that psychiatry is not for me. It's interesting but I will learn it as a hobby (now I sound like Saitama from One Punch Man), otherwise I will drain my mental energy.

I haven't figured out which medical career path that I want to choose.

Death of a Bachelor

I'm addicted to the song "Death of a Bachelor" by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I'm overwhelmed!

In an interview, Brendon Urie said that the song was inspired by his wife and how he now lived different life. Unfortunately, I can't find the link to that interview video. In I other words, "Death of a Bachelor" is about change in life.

The greatest change in my life, until now, happens after I entered medical school. It was a big decision that I made myself and I, at some points, screw it up. 

If I hadn't been a medical student, I would have been a civil engineering student. That was my second choice. I guess instead of learning how to examine meningeal signs or reading physiology book, I would discuss how to build a strong yet cost-effective bridge or draw a building structure.

Medical school gives me a lot of stories. Some stories are worth to tell, some are meant to be secret. 

I experience failure multiple times in medical school. I even came to the point where I didn't want to try anymore because I felt my trying was useless. 

I procrastinate a lot in medical school. Something that should be taboo considering we have plenty of works to do, material to study, and skill to practice.

I feel frustation many times because I don't understand some subjects. That frustration can lead to feeling of guilt since I remind myself that one day someone's life will depend on my knowledge of the subjects.

I got my first depression, too. And if someday I meet a patient with depression who is reluctant to get medical treatment, I think I will understand that patient. Because I know how it feels to be scared of telling others about your depression.

I also had to deal with mental trauma after sexual assault while, at the same time I had to study some medical stuff. It went badly. The trauma won. I couldn't study well.

However, I have some nice friends in medical school.

They are friends who remind me that happiness and health matter more than good grade. Our knowledge is important but we try to pursue it while keeping our body healthy and our mind sane. We cheer each other when trouble happens. We share gossip, news, and fantasy. We also study and practice OSCE together, in our way. 

I don't know if I would experience these kinds of failure, procrastination, frustration, depression, and friendship had I been a civil engineering student. I can't even imagine how it would have been if I hadn't entered medical school. 

My "bachelor" version died the day I became a medical student. And I don't regret it. Well, maybe sometimes.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I recently listen to some old Disney songs and I was captivated by "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella. The song is beautiful and it makes me emotional. I even cried a little bit when I listened to it. I don't know why, I guess it hit the right spot in my brain and I just cried.

There are 3 different versions that I listen to. I first listened to the original version then I found out that Carrie Hope Fletcher did a cover for the song. After that, I listened to Lily James' version. Which version do you like? I like all of them.

What's more interesting is, I find that some people admire how Cinderella could still be happy despite the fact that her stepmother and stepsisters treated her badly. Instead of being depressed, she sang and had faith in her dream. I know many people think that Cinderella is silly because she did nothing to get out of her condition. However let's just face that she was helpless. At that period of time you couldn't go to police and report child abuse. Well, I don't know much about European society back then. If you know anything about it, please write a comment.

The song she sang, "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" carries some messages. Let's take a look at the lyrics first.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

when you're fast asleep

In dream you will lose your heartaches

whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday 

your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving,

if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true

The first message that I got is everyone needs good sleep. Sleep helps your body maintain its function and clear your mind. That's why treatment for depression often involves keeping good quality of sleep. 

Secondly, the song is about optimism. You wish something and you believe you can get it.

The third message is this song, sung by Cinderella, can be an example of coping mechanism. Coping mechanism or defense mechanism or coping strategy is how people respond to stress. There are many examples of it. The one that Cinderella used is called sublimation. It means channeling stress or uncomfortable feeling into something useful or creative. You can read more about coping strategy here and here.

I think those are nice messages. I know that we don't live in fairy tale and we don't know how our tale will end. It doesn't matter. A little fantasy is always fine and the messages are still good.