Ugly Moment in Hospital: Death

I like fiction and fanfiction. I have a thing for fiction that takes place in hospital. I don't know why. Perhaps because I'm a medical student so I like hospital setting. However, it changed recently. I'm a co-assistant and I've just spent 3 weeks in department of pulmonology. Those 3 weeks changed my perspective about hospital.

In fiction, there is this moment when a character dies and because this is fiction, we read some beautiful description that messes our emotion. In reality, death is ... death, and it's not beautiful. There is no narrator saying words describing the situation. It's an ugly process which, in department of pulmonology, starts with worsened shortness of breath. Then the breathing stops, the heartbeat stops. Dead.

Another thing: last word. Often in fiction, the character says a word or two before death. I have never seen that. The person is too busy to try to breath. No last word before death.

No attractive face, either, I tell you. In fiction, you can imagine your favourite character as you want but many real people look miserable when they're dying. 

So here is some "moral of the story" that I can give (which usually I don't): while you're still alive, attractive and breathing easily, speak. Do not wait until the last moment of your life to say things you're supposed to say. However, also remember, choose your word carefully. Ah, it's difficult, isn't it? On one side, we don't want to regret that we don't say the thing, on the other side we will regret if we say it the wrong way. Oh wait, that's a topic for another post.

And here I am, comparing death in fiction and reality while looking for good fanfiction to read before going to bed. Duh.

Lawful Wife and Mistress: Talking about Medical Study

Recently, I just found out that Anton Chekhov, the Russian author, was also a doctor. One of his famous quote regarding this was, "Medicine is my lawful wife, literature my mistress: when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other."

My friends and I laughed at that because never have we ever found medicine-related quote like that before. Now is the thing: every medical student that I have been close to has this kind of "mistress", this thing that we spend our time with when we're tired of our "lawful wife" in the form of medical study. One friend's "mistress" is drawing, another one's is cosplay, someone else has literature as mistress.

However, there is a problem when you're constantly tired of your "lawful wife". That's what happens to me. Medical study is often demanding so I spend a lot of time with my "mistress(es)": literature, fandom, and other things.

I think it's time for me to remind myself that no matter how excited I get when I see my "mistress(es)", it is my "lawful wife" that I made my vow to spend my life with.

Death of a Bachelor

I'm addicted to the song "Death of a Bachelor" by Panic! At The Disco. After My Chemical Romance, now Panic! At The Disco. Help, I'm overwhelmed!

In an interview, Brendon Urie said that the song was inspired by his wife and how he now lived different life. Unfortunately, I can't find the link to that interview video. In I other words, "Death of a Bachelor" is about change in life.

The greatest change in my life, until now, happens after I entered medical school. It was a big decision that I made myself and I, at some points, screw it up. 

If I hadn't been a medical student, I would have been a civil engineering student. That was my second choice. I guess instead of learning how to examine meningeal signs or reading physiology book, I would discuss how to build a strong yet cost-effective bridge or draw a building structure.

Medical school gives me a lot of stories. Some stories are worth to tell, some are meant to be secret. 

I experience failure multiple times in medical school. I even came to the point where I didn't want to try anymore because I felt my trying was useless. 

I procrastinate a lot in medical school. Something that should be taboo considering we have plenty of works to do, material to study, and skill to practice.

I feel frustation many times because I don't understand some subjects. That frustration can lead to feeling of guilt since I remind myself that one day someone's life will depend on my knowledge of the subjects.

I got my first depression, too. And if someday I meet a patient with depression who is reluctant to get medical treatment, I think I will understand that patient. Because I know how it feels to be scared of telling others about your depression.

I also had to deal with mental trauma after sexual assault while, at the same time I had to study some medical stuff. It went badly. The trauma won. I couldn't study well.

However, I have some nice friends in medical school.

They are friends who remind me that happiness and health matter more than good grade. Our knowledge is important but we try to pursue it while keeping our body healthy and our mind sane. We cheer each other when trouble happens. We share gossip, news, and fantasy. We also study and practice OSCE together, in our way. 

I don't know if I would experience these kinds of failure, procrastination, frustration, depression, and friendship had I been a civil engineering student. I can't even imagine how it would have been if I hadn't entered medical school. 

My "bachelor" version died the day I became a medical student. And I don't regret it. Well, maybe sometimes.

Exam is Closer

Today's daily prompt is to ask someone else to give blog prompt. I asked Elsa and she said, "The comprehensive exam that is getting closer". I regret my decision of asking her.

Considering that I haven't finished my thesis, I can just go crazy if I also think about my comprehensive exam. What is comprehensive exam? In my medical school, we take comprehensive exam after years of pre clinical phase as a condition to enter clinical phase. Before taking comprehensive exam, a student must have passed all credits needed and finished the thesis and the editing.

The first comprehensive exam in this year will be held on March, 13th. I guess even if I can't take the exam on March, I can take it another time on June, if I'm not mistaken. It would be better to take it on June since I will be more prepared.

Beside, there is something more important that I should pay attention: my sleep.

I was Fine until I Enter the Jungle

I'm not comfortable in front of people. Never. 

When I was at school, public speaking was not a big problem. I could present a subject or tell a story in front of class quite easily. I even joined speech or story telling contests.  

Since I become medical student, my self confidence decreases. Public speaking is scary now. I don't know why. Perhaps because being medical student, I'm taught to do everything correctly and properly so I'm afraid of making mistake. Thus, I become more self conscious.

What actually causes stage fright? I watch TED-Ed video that explains it. The video says that we humans perceive public speaking as a threat for our reputation. That perception is a reaction from fight-or-flight response. Fight-or-flight response is a primitive reaction that occurs in dangerous situation so you can decide whether to flight and save your life or fight to death. In short, it's just a public speaking, but our primitive mind consider it life-threatening.

I guess my brain perceives medical school as a jungle with beasts and monsters in it. Thanks medical school, you succesfully activate my primitive mind, a little bit too much. Now teach me to be the strongest beast.

A Strange Guilt

When I had KKN, I met a lot of people. Usually, my group leader talked and introduce us to the people we met. He introduced not only our names but also our majors. He even called me "future doctor" or "doctor". 

To be honest, I felt guilty when someone introduce me as future doctor. Yes, it's true that I'm a medical student and I want to be a doctor. However, I feel that, I haven't tried my best in medical school. I waste a lot of my time  browsing random stuff or doing useless thing instead of studying. Many times I don't make good amount of preparation for tests or exams. The mistakes I make in OSCE are often caused by my lack of practice. Beside that, there are a lot of basic medical concept that I still don't understand. Being that kind of student, when my group leader introduced my as medical student, I sometimes wanted to scream, "Don't mention my major, please!"

It takes a great responsibility to be a doctor and when I think about my laziness and ignorance, I think I'm not ready yet to be one.

Saturday with Lady Slytherin

Yesterday, I attended a graphic design training and I ended up making a mess (duh). Thankfully, the mess was only in my laptop.

Lady Slytherin explained a little about event publication at the beginning. She also showed a video by Ryan Higa, "Most Annoying People On The Internet". Take time to watch the video. Are you one of those annoying people on the internet?

In the evening, Lady Slytherin informed me that I had left my pencil case and it was with her then. I told her that I would visit her boarding house to take it.

Before taking my pencil case, I went to Ngarsopuro. It's a night market in Solo, opened every Saturday. I wanted to look around and buy T-shirt for my mother. My mother gave me some money to buy her T-shirt but I forgot to bring the money. I was lucky that I brought my own money. Anyway, I couldn't find the T-shirt my mother wanted.

I also visited a cafe nearby. There was a charity concert held by Childhood Cancer Care. I bought a navy blue wrist band in their merchandise stand.

I then visiting Lady Slytherin. She gave me my pencil case and an example of thesis proposal. We had a little talk (I told her that I forget a lot lately; first I lost my driving licence, then I left my pencil case and my mother's money). After that we decided to go together. She chose a fast food restaurant and she took her Samsung tab and headset with her. She said, "I want to browse internet there." 

Arriving in the restaurant, she realised that she forgot to bring her wallet. We thought that my forgetfulness was contagious.

We still ate there anyway. We ate, talked, and read weird articles in the internet. We even dipped our potato in ice cream. It tasted sweet then salty.

Oh, you may think, "Why do you med students eat in fast food restaurant? You should give example of healthy eating habit." I myself rarely eat fast food and I think I have to write a post about healthy food later to counter this post.

Waiting for the Announcement

I haven't found out who my thesis first counsellor and first examiner are.

Let me explain first.

When a student create undergraduate thesis, there will be first counsellor, first examiner, second counsellor, and second examiner. The student will consult about thesis with the counsellors. Once the thesis is finished, the student will make a presentation and get asked by the examiners. 

In my campus, the first counsellor and the first examiner aren't chosen by the student. A department will announce who will be first counsellor and first examiners.

Parasitology, dentistry, and community health department have released the announcement. It means that my three friends: Lady Slytherin, Elsa, and Miss Perfume have found out who they will consult their thesis with and who will ask them questions and score them.

Psychiatry department hasn't. I still have to wait.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell about second counsellor and second examiner. Usually the student come to lecturers and ask whether they can be the second counsellor and second examiner. However, I haven't asked any lecturer yet because I'd better consult with my first counsellor first.

My Story with Instagram

I have recently made instagram account to support my friend. My two friends join "Duta Mahasiswa FK" competition. It's like medical student version of beauty pageant but there are also male contestants. One of the judged criteria is how many accounts like their instagram photos. 

Those two friends are Denata and Gani. Both of them are also candidates of my campus representatives for Indonesian Medical Olympiad in digestive system field. Denata is also a dancer while Gani is a mountain climber.

You can see Denata's photo here and Gani's here. If you have instagram account, please support those two amazing people by liking the photos. 

Erythro is on WordPress

I mention many times in this blog that I join a student journalism club in my campus. Now, my journalism club, Erythro, is on WordPress. The site is still blank now. Visit us here.
What theme do you think is suitable for our site? What widgets should we put there? It's intended to be a site for news and it's not a personal site. 

Trauma & Traum

Next Monday on April 27th, I'm going to start studying traumatology. It's not about mental trauma anyway. It's about physical injury.
The word trauma sounds similar to the word Traum in German. They have different meaning, though. Traum means dream.
Can dream cause trauma? Maybe.

16 Weeks to Write Thesis

Yesterday I attended a meeting on thesis. We got information on thesis timeline (when we can start, the deadline, etc), mentor, and examiner.
We are given 30 weeks to finish our thesis. However, the lecturer said that if we work well, we can finish our thesis within 16 weeks. She said, "You are going to write undergraduate thesis and it only needs 16 weeks. Believe me, 16 weeks are enough."
I'm still waiting to know which of my ideas is validated. I hope I can manage my time well so I can write thesis, study, and still post regularly in this blog.
16 weeks? Challenge accepted.

Friday Lecture Note: Macrosomia

The first subject I study this semester is pediatrics. In schedule, I have to study it for 3 weeks which are technically 2 weeks of lecture and a week of other things.
I once said that I would share what I learn so here we go.

In group discussion, we talked about neonate. What is neonate? Neonate or newborn is a baby who is 4 weeks old or younger. Normal newborn weighs 2500 to 4000 grams. However, if the mother has diabetes, her child can be heavier. The condition of newborn with excessive birth weight is called macrosomia. How can it happen? If a mother's blood glucose level is high, then the fetus blood glucose level will be high, too. Fetus' pancreas produce more insulin to respond to high glucose level. Insulin in fetus also function as growth hormone. Thus, fetus becomes bigger for his age. Macrosomia can be prevented if a mother control her blood glucose level.