Out of Place

They stood in the corner. She wrote in her small notebook, he drew sketches. Both seemed out of place in the masquerade ball.

"Oh, you draw the lady with purple dress over there? Her hair is wavy. You draw her wrong," she said to him.

He retort, "Would you please shut up and go back to your writing? What do you write anyway?" Then he took her notebook and read while mimicking her voice, "A newlywed man play single on the dance floor."

Even when his face was covered with a mask, she could tell he was surprised. "What?" She asked.

"What was that supposed to mean? Play single? How did you even know that he's newlywed?"

"I just know," she replied. "Hey, would you like to dance? After that you can approach that lady in purple dress."

"I can't dance and I don't want to approach that lady."

"Put your paper and pencil in your pocket. I'll teach you how to dance and talk to a lady," she said while grabbing his right wrist.

"I talk to you all the time."

"All right, correction then. I'll teach you how to dance and talk to a lady other than me."

P.S. I've never gone to a ball or masquerade so if this story sounds unlikely, please tell me. 

Sansa Stark and Girl's Struggle

Game of Thrones season 6 is going to air soon. I'm a Game of Thrones completely internet fan. It means that I don't watch the entire show and I don't read the entire books either. I get information here and there from the internet and I can still call myself a fan, can't I?

I'm curious about Sansa's fate in season 6. Rumour says she will do good. I hope so because Sansa is my favourite character.

Why is Sansa my favourite character? Because, in my opinon, Sansa Stark is relatable. I guess every girl or woman, at some points in their life can relate to Sansa. There must be one time when a girl wants to speak up or put up a fight but hold herself because she remembers that "a lady's armor is courtesy" so she put her armor of courtesy to protect herself, to keep herself alive. If you consider that a weakness, then you don't understand. Some girls don't have many choices and all they want is to be alive and safe, and safe can be defined in various ways.

I also adore Arya. Many times I want to fight like Arya but I remember that I don't live in Westeros and I can't stab people as I want. I don't even know how to handle a sword. I think Sansa also wants to fight like Arya sometimes but she is aware that she can't do that. 

After all, those Stark sisters show and remind me the struggle of being a girl.

Opening Up about My Mental Condition

On the last few days I experienced burnout and worse, it happened when I had to finalise my thesis editing and write scientific article. Worse, the registration for graduation ceremony in June has been opened. Worse, my mom was anxious and she told me to hurry up and finish everything so I could graduate in June.

I don't really like it when someone tells me to hurry up, especially when I get a bad case of burnout.

That time, I decided to tell my mom, "I can't think and work quickly like I did when I was at school. Now it's easy for me to get mentally exhausted and when it happens, I can't do anything. I just can't."

It was relieving to say that. Seriously. Finally I told someone of my family about my mental condition and I felt great. It doesn't mean that I got better right after I told my mom. And my mom may not take me to psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm just happy from the fact that I finally opened up about my mental condition. 

After I said that, my mom answered, "Well, let's just hope that you can finish it well." I think she understands.

I told my friend about it and he said, "I guess all you need is emotional support?" That response hit me because I never really cared about emotional support. Maybe because, in my opinion, being in this condition for a long time, I'm used to feeling it alone. Burnout after burnout, sometimes even depression, and I don't tell my family about how I feel. I often think to myself that I can deal with it alone because that's how it works for me: burnout or depression comes, I suffer, and it ends then I live normally, after that it comes again, I suffer again then it ends, and the cycle repeats many times.

That day I learned that telling someone about my mental condition doesn't heal me right but it does make me feel better, even just a bit.

Hyperventilating Fangirl

I like Panic! At The Disco but I don't know all of their songs. Today was the first time I heard the song "She Had the World" and I loved it. The song was beautiful and I got teary eyes from the emotion. After that, I heard the part where Ryan sang and I made hyperventilating noise.

I didn't really have difficulty in breathing when listening to Ryan Ross. It was just kind of habit. I don't always like his voice but when his voice is damn fine (in my opinion), I make hyperventilating noise. I haven't found out why. I know that some psychological condition like panic attack can cause real hyperventilation but I didn't experience panic attack. I experience Panic! At The Disco attack. Are they the same thing? I don't think so.

Idea for next research or whatever: cause of hyperventilation among fangirl. Anyone involved in fandom and interested in pulmonology and neuropsychiatry? Here I've given you idea.

Burnout

I have short attention span.

Short attention span plus burnout equals mental torture to me, and that happens now.

Two days ago I wrote preface for my thesis. It was a standard preface and I had gotten the format from my friend. It was an easy task. However, bringing myself to type a lecturer's name in preface was already a mental workout for me. 

I still haven't written scientific article and I don't know when I can start. How can I write if I can't even think about it?

The registration for graduation ceremony started a few days ago and it will be closed on May 5th. I hope I can finish my article before May 5th.

I hope I can get over this burnout.

I Feel Done

I've ever mentioned in this blog that I was interested in psychiatry. I still am. However, after writing thesis with psychiatry topic, I feel done.

I once considered being a psychiatrist but after months of writing psychiatry-related thesis, I changed my mind. I have come to realisation that psychiatry is not for me. It's interesting but I will learn it as a hobby (now I sound like Saitama from One Punch Man), otherwise I will drain my mental energy.

I haven't figured out which medical career path that I want to choose.

Poem Taken From a Newspaper Item

by Manuel Bandeira

Sweet Johnny was a porter in the open market and lived in a numberless shack on Babylon Hill
One night he went into Twentieth of November Bar
He drank
He sang
He danced
Then he threw himself into Rodrigo de Freitas lagoon and died drowned

I first found this poem from a book by Sapardi Djoko Damono, entitled "Bilang Begini Maksudnya Begitu" and it was the Indonesian version. Then I found that English version from the internet, from google book "Brazilian Women Speak: Contemporary Life Stories". 

Here is the Indonesian version.

Sajak Berdasarkan Sebuah Berita di Koran

Si John Periang adalah seorang pesuruh di Pasar Petani dan tinggal di Bukit Babilonia di sebuah gubuk yang tak bernomor
Pada suatu malam ia pergi ke Warung Dua Puluh November
Ia minum
Ia menyanyi
Ia menari
Kemudian ia menceburkan diri ke dalam Telaga Rodrigo de Freitas dan Tenggelam

I may write more about poems in the upcoming posts. I don't promise.